Gotta Love Teenagers! Seriously!

It seems like all cultures elevate and deflate certain age groups depending upon what's perceived to be of greater value. In China, by way of generalized example, the elderly are revered and honored over and above the young. They've achieved a status in life that mandates respect and care. In our country, just the opposite seems to be the case, so much so that we may be rightfully accused of worshipping the young. This is especially the case with the very young given our propensity to "spoil-them-to-death", and also with the young adulthood stage of life given our longing to stay forever youthful and beautiful. There's one age in particular, however, between childhood and young adulthood that I fear our culture abhors and loathes, and that's teenager-hood. Victoria and I have most recently seen this played out in our own lives when we let people in on our upcoming adoption of a thirteen (13) year old. Yikes, a teenager! Aside from the typical and understandable concerns about language and cultural barriers, the greater concern seems to be the fact that she's a teen. "Wow, you're brave to take that on again!" Or, "Whew, what a challenge that will be to deal with all of the struggles of raising a teen!" And it's not just Xiao Qian we've heard this about, but also with all of our other older children. It's almost as if parents can't wait to get their kids out of the house once they turn 13. "Let's just fast-forward the next four to five years, please!" Want to know what I abhor and loath? That whole mentality in our culture about teenagers. In fact, Victoria and I reject these notions and embrace just the opposite.

When Austin was a teenager, and Annie also at the same time, people would make comments about how hard life must be at this stage. I would look at them and just shake my head in disbelief, but also in honest confusion. I didn't understand. We were, and have, enjoyed the teenage years of life with our children as much, if not often times more than when they were younger. Why? Because their ability to reason with logic is sophisticated and we can relate to them on that level. Because their passions for Jesus begin to reveal themselves in unique and tangible ways (or so we hope), other than just echoing what we've taught them. Because they're able to care for themselves in ways that prepare them for adulthood. Because the fruits of your earlier years of labor begin to show up in their character. (Sometimes, what we see is actually quite convicting, and in our case has now allowed us to go back and do some things differently with Poppy and Willow, and now Xiao Qian).

I believe there's a real vacuum in our culture when it comes to caring for teenagers. We push them off to the schools and others expecting them to shape and mold their lives from here on out because we think it's all over anyway and, "What's the use?" "What's done is done!" I once read and heard that a greater majority of lives commit themselves to Jesus in teenager-hood than at any other age of life. Now what does that say about this stage of living? Hearts are malleable, tender, open, and ready to receive the greatest gift life has to offer. From what I can see, it's all downhill after the teenage years. I see it in my own life, and I'm a Christian. My heart isn't as ready, willing and able to receive truth like it was when I was a teenager. I want to have the faith of a child, and I want to have the passion and the energy for Jesus like a teenager. These kids are teaching me a thing or two, and they don't even realize it.

We're entering Xiao Qian's life, and she's entering ours, at the most opportune time, perfectly orchestrated by our Lord. Aside from all of the significant cultural transitions she'll have to go through (and we do not underestimate them by any stretch of the imagination), her heart (we pray) will be vulnerable to the Spirit and our leading by Him. We have a very short window of time, but probably the best window of time, to allow God to influence her life for eternity. These teenage years with Xiao Qian? Bring em' on!!! And shame on us for ever thinking otherwise.

Restoring the Teenage Years,

A Whole Fist Full of Fingers

Two days ago our little Pop-Tart turned five years old (or so we think and were told it's somewhere around that date - no one knows for sure). We decided to do everything we could to make her entire day special, starting with the first opening of her eyes when she woke up in the morning. Knowing she'd be in bed with us when she awakened, we hung streamers from the ceiling with the number "5" dangling from the chandelier. Sure enough, the first words out of her mouth that morning were, "Hey! It's my Birthday!" You should have seen the smile on her face - adorable!

Next, we got dressed and took her out to get donuts. Bummer, but the donut store was closed for the Holidays so we took her to a pastry shop where they specialize in cupcakes. She got the Pink Velvet one with a little snowman buried in white frosting. What little girl could resist that? We then took her and her treat over to Starbucks where Annie, Victoria, Willow, Poppy and I enjoyed one last egg-nog latte of the season (well, actually the girls didn't exactly have a latte). When we left it looked like the girls dumped the vacuum cleaner bag all over the floor underneath the table with their crumbs and all (and it wasn't even a pastry from Starbucks). Oh well, the trivial trials of toddlers.

After that we headed over to the new Lafayette Library where the girls picked up several children's books and perused them in one of the nice children's cubbies installed there. What a nice library. Victoria and Annie decided to walk back to the house, so I drove the girls home. While in the car I said, "Poppy, you're a whole fist full of fingers old!" She held out her hand with her fingers spread apart, still wearing that same grin she started with when she first woke up.

Then after a little rest, Annie baked a gorgeous cake with Poppy, replete with pink frosting and tons of peppermint candy canes. We all ate dinner together and then let her open her presents. Her favorite one of all was from Grandma and Grandpa; a new, blue, sparkly dress-up that made her feel like Cinderella. When she blew the candles out of the cake we asked her what she wished for and she said, "That this blue dress would last forever." Good job Mom & Dad! Poppy got a chance to talk to her Grandma & Grandpa that night on the telephone, and she also got a nice birthday call from her big brother, Austin.

I'm pretty sentimental about all of this stuff, really (just ask my family). I told Poppy that I didn't want her to grow up anymore because it makes me sad. (I almost can't stand to watch old home videos of our children when they were young). Poppy said that she couldn't stop growing up and wanted to get bigger. (Didn't we all back then?) Willow could see that I was make-believing sadness and all with a big frown on my face (sort of make-believe and sort of real), and she quickly stepped in to assuage my melancholy state by saying, "I stay whittle foe you, DaDa. Don't be sad." Willow's the little peacemaker in the house, and also knows how to put on the charm to draw attention to herself.

Poppy wanted to sleep in her new blue dress that night, but we told her she could wear it again in the morning. First thing she said when she woke up the next day, "I want to put on my blue dress." And so she did. (You can wear that dress your whole life Poppy, just don't get any bigger.) Glad the next fist full of fingers won't open up for her for another five years. Her next birthday will require two hands to display her age, though. Boo hoo!

(P.S. - The night before Poppy's birthday we took her to the Merry-Go-Round at Tilden Park. Magical!)

From Two with Too Many Fists Full of Fingers,

Christmas - 2009

A wonderful Christmas for us Kruggel's (except for missing Austin & Meagan and my Mom & Dad). Lot's of gifts (although thankfully far less than last year), good food (maybe more than last year), and most of all time with family. Perhaps the best gift of all was our time together around the fireplace, after opening all of our gifts and buried in wrapping paper, just talking about the push and pull of living in an affluent country, making our lives count for Jesus and walking a holy life before God. Annie asked, "What's more important and valuable: Living a private life of devotion before God by basking in the warmth of His Word day in and day out, or sacrificially living every second of your life giving it away for the sake of others?" I responded, "You cannot separate the two, they're linked arm in arm." She immediately replied, "I don't like that answer because I don't know how you can have both." (Lest many of you think we're this super-spiritualized family, let me assure you we don't have these kind of conversations often enough.) Here's the dilemma; Annie's in school, so is Barret, pursuing her education. She looks all around her and reads about (sees hundreds of) people her age out in the countryside, sometimes in the hinterlands, sacrificially laying down their lives for Jesus. Which is more valuable? Both Victoria and I know how she feels, and we feel for all young people (and older folks I suppose) wrestling with the quandary of how to practically live their lives for Jesus in the here and now no matter where they find themselves. It always looks more glamorous, more holy out there. But is it? Victoria and I think not. It's hard being a Christian here, being surrounded by so much, knowing that there are so many out there with much less. Yet what are we to do? Loath the fact that we're here and bemoan our existence as Americans? Or, do we recognize the need, do what we can with the meager means we have and accept that God also has great purposes for us where we are? Like going to work day in and day out, living a life of ambassadorship for Jesus there, slowly but surely impacting others with our walk and our talk of forgiveness, grace and mercy. Not all are called to be out there, so we take where we are and make it count in the moment for Jesus believing that the "out there" is right here. We know these are struggles for people like my eldest son and his wife, Austin and Meagan. We know these are struggles for Annie and others like her in college. We know these are struggles for people even like Victoria and me.

All we can do is look at the tapestry of God's perfect design and conclude that His image is made complete not in the one, but in the many. It's sort of like that classic Christmas movie that I love so much, It's A Wonderful Life. The world would be a different place if God had not perfectly orchestrated my existence, the existence of each and every one of us to be who we are and where we are at the moment. The beauty of His handiwork is seen when all of the parts are situated in their perfect jigsaw puzzle place. Without Annie where she is there would be that frustrating missing spot on the puzzle-board, looking so incomplete and barren without it. This world needs Annie, it needs Victoria, it needs my children, it needs you, and it needs me. Where it breaks down most is when I want to be all of the jigsaw pieces; just ain't gonna happen.

Victoria and I agree that our conversation this morning was the best part of our Christmas day this year, 2009. I hope to remember and reflect upon this, praying for Annie, for Barret, for Austin and Meagan, for Victoria and for all us Christians that wrestle with our stations in life. "Thank you, Lord, for such a perfect Christmas gift today. You knew exactly what I, what we needed."

Goodbye Christmas, 2009,

Travel Approval!!!

Today, on Christmas Eve, the very day Victoria thought, we received Travel Approval (known in the adoption world as "TA"). What a wonderful Christmas gift, bringing greater definition to our plans beginning in 2010. It looks like we'll need to be in China on the 24th of January so we can meet, greet and welcome Xiao Qian into our family the following day, the 25th (that's a Monday). We're going to sit tight before making any definitive travel plans until after the Christmas Holiday because we need to have our Consulate date nailed down before we can book flights. Everything revolves around that Consulate date. So, basically, we're looking at almost exactly one month from today when all of this wonder begins to unfold. Unbelievable!

We called Austin & Meagan to let them know about these dates so they can begin planning on their end. I think it's nice for them to have some definition as well.

Victoria laid the groundwork with Barret's high school teachers to allow him to travel to China with us if he wants to. Most of his teachers have responded that this could work just fine, provided he take a lot of homework along with him. He'll have to be disciplined to do studies while we're away, but I don't think that would be a problem for him. We've now asked Barret to faithfully pray about this and give us his answer about whether he'd like to go or not by next Wednesday. After that we'll begin the process to obtain our VISA's. We're hoping that Barret will come along.

We're enjoying a relaxing day around the house today, preparing for this evening and tomorrow. We're all missing Austin and Meagan a lot, this being our first Christmas away from one another. We're also missing my Mom & Dad who would have normally been with us but finding it difficult to travel these days. Poppy's quote of the day while running wildly around the house with Willow in complete jubilee, "This is the best day ever!"

Merry Christmas!

Tom (& Victoria)

"I Want Momma, I Want Momma!"

Just the other night I came home a little late (the Holidays make for some long days). Victoria was out with a friend of hers, while Barret stayed home with the girls. The moment I walked through the garage door I saw and heard our little Pop-Tart weeping her tiny eyes out. These were what we commonly refer to in our home as alligator tears, and they were sincere and from the heart. In her whimpering voice she muddled, "I want Momma, I want Momma!" This is certainly not the first time this has happened, but it's becoming much more frequent these days. Whenever Victoria leaves for even a short period, Poppy becomes overly anxious and sort of loses all sense of bearing (although this is not the case when she's dropped off for Kindergarten, AWANA or Sunday School). My tender heart couldn't help but feel very sorry for her, while her older brother was a bit exasperated by it all (can't say I really blame him; those situations are really hard when you're in the heat of the "battle" and feel so helpless). Willow was sad, but holding it together because she doesn't like it when anyone is upset in the household. She's our family peacemaker and frequently checks in on anyone that isn't exhibiting the cheeriest of dispositions to see if she can't figure it out and turn perceived melancholy moments by 180 degrees.

When I saw Poppy's meltdown that night I immediately started to become anxious about our upcoming travels to China, possibly leaving the girls behind and all. I wondered how she'll ever survive, and more frighteningly, how Austin and Meagan will survive. I'm confident that whatever happened to this little girl while in China and losing her mommy and daddy at about six months of age has left indelible marks of attachment disorder that will take extra doses of patience, love and time to heal, not to mention the grace of God. She's also wired and created in such a way that she's naturally a worrier, thus taking on a common characteristic of most of us Kruggel's, even though she doesn't possess our genes. Willow's nothing like this now, and I hope she doesn't begin to imbibe what Victoria and I dislike most about our own constitutions.

In chatting with Victoria (and Annie, Brian - Annie's boy- friend, and Barret) last night around the dinner table, Victoria said that she shared this latest incident with Poppy with a friend of hers and expressed our angst about leaving Poppy behind. Her retort to Victoria was that if we reverse direction now we may be shunning the Lord's provision and miraculous grace to provide Austin and Meagan when we were running out of time and options to finalize our travel plans. That thought had never dawned on me, and I was immediately grateful for her perspective. I believe she's right. God, at just the right moment and with just the right people, provided what appears to be the perfect solution to our traveling decisions, and also that He can intervene and supply Poppy, Austin, Meagan (and even Willow) with just the right amounts of grace, peace, love and fortitude to press through our absence with joy and great reward.

I share this with you so that you may continue, if you're so inclined, to pray for us, and especially Poppy, Austin and Meagan (Willow too) as we work through and prepare for our departure. This is the kind of dependence I long for because it forces us into the bosom of Jesus, but when it comes I sometimes start to lose faith.

Our Travel Approval (TA) from China should be coming within the next week or two. Until then, we continue to prepare mentally, emotionally and spiritually for this significant life change, and also rest in this time with our family (Annie's home now from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo) during the Christmas celebration break.

Praying for Our Sweet Little Pop-Tart,

Tom (& Victoria)

Under Construction

You might have noticed that the header of our blog, title and caption have just changed. That's because we're currently reformatting it in anticipation of our next trip to China to find Xiao Qian. There will be a lot more blog changes coming down the pike as we're currently working with another adoptive family in the country to customize it with nice, soothing colors and designs. We've been wanting to do this for awhile now, so the impending trip has served as the impetus to just make it happen. We'll also be opening up our blog so it's not password protected even though we realize we're exposing ourselves to others who may find fault with us across a broad continuum of issues, but we've determined that the Lord has strengthened us to a point where our convictions are now stronger than our concern for personal protection and shielding.

The new title, "Adopted for Life", (changed from "On Our Way to Willow Rae") is a theme of our lives and family. Adoption for us has a much broader and meaningful definition than in just the traditional sense, embracing the words of Jesus Himself when He promised he wouldn't leave us as orphans, but eternally rescue us from the fatherless estate we originally found ourselves in. Not only that, but He will eventually come again and snatch us into His bosom where He currently resides with His Father. And the photograph is of one of our favorite places on earth, The Crosses at the Box "R" Ranch in Oregon. The empty cross is symbolic of His guaranteed return and a reminder of the peaceful presence we now share in Jesus.

So keep watching for more edits along the way, hopefully ones you'll enjoy and also find helpful. Victoria and I (and the entire family) are grateful for your continued support, love and interest.

Adopted for Life,

Tom (& Victoria)

Who Will Travel, Who Will Stay?

One of our most challenging dilemmas about traveling abroad to bring Xiao Qian home is who to bring with us. Do we bring Barret, especially during this Junior year of high school, a very critical period of time that plays a high level of importance into college entrance, just a year a half a way from now? Do we bring the girls, Poppy and Willow, knowing that they're joined at the hip to each other, and especially to their Mom (and me, I guess, but to a lesser degree)? Do we bring just one of the girls and leave the other behind? We cannot possibly ask Annie to come because she'd simply miss too much of her college studies, so that's just out of the question. Do we ask friends from church to watch our children since we don't have any immediate family near by? Do we fly family in to watch our children? (Our sweet sister-in-law Patty offered to fly in from Hawaii.) Do we bring the girls and Barret, thereby significantly adding to our travel costs? What are the benefits of having children there with us when we meet Xiao Qian and spend those first few weeks together establishing important bonds? Would Poppy and Willow add to the confusion and chaos, or bring a distracting sense of calm? Would Barret, being 17 years old, add a spirit of comfort for Xiao Qian? We can't ask Barret to stay behind and watch the girls because he's got to spend too much time at school each day, and probably isn't quite up to that level of responsibility anyway (not meant to be pejorative). These questions have haunted us for months now, and we've just had to take these things to the Lord and rest knowing that it will all eventually work itself out.

While in Oregon at the Box "R" Ranch for Thanksgiving, Austin and Meagan approached us and asked how we'd feel if they came to California and watched the girls for us while we're in China? "Really?", we replied in shock and amazement, not ever dreaming that such a possibility even existed. After exploring it further with them, they explained that Austin's firm has a satellite office in San Jose, just about an hour south of our home, that he might be able to work from while living in our house. Meagan hasn't landed a job in Colorado that she's comfortable with, so she's free to travel with Austin if this was something his firm would consider. Both Victoria and I got really excited about this, so we asked Austin to explore it further and get back to us. Well, just this last week he let us know that his company was very open to this and just wanted a few more details about dates, etc... We couldn't believe it, and are so relieved that this option popped up, which seems to be more of a reality with each passing day. Just when you think you're out of ideas, the Lord brings one into your lap that is out of the clear blue, and it happens to probably be the best alternative of any by far.

So here's what we're thinking at this point, and we know there are varying philoso- phies about who to bring with you when traveling abroad, especially when adopting an older child like Xiao Qian. As much as we would love to have the girls (Poppy & Willow) with us while we travel, we feel our care for them with all of the challenges of navigating through a foreign country will simply distract us too much from focusing on Qian. They will sorely miss us, and it will certainly be a hardship on them to have us gone and away for so long, but they'll no doubt survive and will also be in wonderful, loving care with Austin and Meagan. (We probably won't tell the girls about this until about a week or two before we leave. No need to cause them to fret too far in advance. We'll certainly not say anything until the Holiday season is over.) We are, however, trying to talk Barret into tagging along because we think that his presence will, indeed, supply some comfort and peace to Qian, you know, being a little closer in age and all. He'd also be of huge assistance to Victoria and me. He was a savior to us when we picked up Wu Hui Xuan (Willow), and we're confident he would be the same for us on this trip. We know it's going to be difficult on him to be away from school for so long, but we think we can talk with the various teachers to make it all work out. Our sense is that they're going to be both sympathetic and supportive.

Please continue to pray for us as we map out all of our plans in the weeks ahead. Right now it's looking like we might travel to China around the middle of January or so. We're really, really, really starting to get excited, but have much work to do between now and then.

Zai Jian (Good-Bye),

Tom (& Victoria)

What Will Her Name Be?

Many people have asked us what we'll name Xiao Qian when she's a member of the Kruggel family. Truth is, we don't know. We love all of our children's names, and worked hard to find ones that we enjoyed and thought they'd enjoy too. As is quite evident, we have a theme going with our new adoptive children, Poppy and Willow. Two syllables, plant life, colorful, cheery and peaceful (although some don't think of Willow trees as cheery, but do think of them as peaceful), easy to pronounce and remember, etc... We have some thoughts about what we want to name Xiao Qian, but as with most names they engender strong reactions from various members of our family, some very positive and some not quite so positive. In fact, some of those family reactions are quite visceral.

We just found out that her English "given" name in China is Alysee. I don't know that she ever really uses that or is even very attached to it. When we first found her on the listing for adoptees, her name given by the agency was Lana (some may remember seeing that). She may be the most re-named girl on the face of the planet.

Victoria and I decided that we're going to hold off giving her a name until we meet her. We have several that we like (and will keep to ourselves for now), but want to communicate with her as best we can upon first acquaintance to see what she thinks, wants and feels. We love the fact that her given Chinese name means "beautiful", and from everything that we can see and know thus far, she sure is. At a minimum we'll probably end up keeping Xiao Qian as a middle name, like we've similarly done for Poppy and Willow.

So for now we'll just sit in suspense and wait upon that moment when we meet her to determine what we'll call her for the rest of her life. Just writing about this makes me (us) excited.

Waiting Upon the Lord,

Tom (& Victoria)

(P. S. - The picture of Xiao Qian above is the very first picture we ever saw of her. She likes the peace sign.)

New Pictures of Xiao Qian

During our Thanksgiving break in Oregon, Victoria and I anxiously awaited an update on Xiao Qian from our contact in China, Angela. She was going to try to get updated photographs of her and forward them to us, while at the same time giving her another care package from us. Upon returning home we immediately opened our e-mail boxes, but there were no updates from Angela. But, lo and behold, the next morning an e-mail from Angela came through with some wonderful pictures attached. I'm interspersing them here within this post for you to enjoy.

I've carefully studied each one of them to try to read, perhaps more than I should, into them. As I closely examine the pictures, I can't help but believe she's an adorable little girl, both inside and out. It's not for these that we adopt, but it is refreshing to stare into those eyes on the screen, and look at that smiling face, and sense there's something remarkable there. I get the feeling that she's very content, as much as she could be, with this upcoming and traumatic change that she's about to embark upon. I could be wrong, and this will not stop me from praying for her night and day, but I do resonate with a certain peace that God has perhaps touched her with. I pray my intuition is correct.

She also looks very healthy to me; emotionally, physically, mentally, etc... Since God's timing is always perfect, I suspect He's ordained this period of her life to change at just the right moment when she's at a peak and "hitting on all cylinders". He's done that for us too.

Finally, I can see that she, like all of us, wants to fit in, be noticed and loved. The traditional "peace sign" symbol formed by her left hand (in two of the pictures) signals to me that she's trying to connect, trying to fit in, and trying to be noticed. I take this as a good sign, and one that we can help fulfill with a very non-threatening and loving home.

I'm enraptured by these pictures, and really can't stop looking at them. I take a gander several times a day, and in the one where she's kneeling (below) I've made that my wallpaper screen on both my laptop and my cellular telephone. Victoria has another picture of Xiao Qian on her cellular telephone so that we'll constantly have here at the forefront of our minds whenever we see her face, and also remember to pray for her whenever we can.

Looking forward with great antici- pation to next month.

Warmly in Christ,

Tom (& Victoria)

Contemplating the Lord

It was early on Saturday morning that I decided to go for a walk to do what I endearingly call a time of "contemplating the Lord". The Box "R" Ranch in Oregon is one of my favorite places to do that, and it's not difficult when His handiwork is on full display in all it's glory for every sense to enjoy. Austin had ventured out just before I did to do exactly the same. We both have our favorite spot on the Ranch to intimately commune with God, and it happens to be the same place. That spot is known as "Inspiration Point". If you could see it, you'd understand how it's name was captured. The vista is right over a God-carved gorge slightly above the crosses located on the other side, all three carefully placed there by the owners, our dear friends the Rowlett's and the Randall's.

On my way to Inspira- tion Point, I thought I might run into Austin so I softly and distantly inched my way down the pathway until I could see his head peeking above the close horizon. Upon sight of him I stopped, and instead of contemplating the Lord I contemplated him. There he was, my 24 year old son, now fully grown and blissfully married, standing on the cliff's edge meditating upon my God, our God, fulfilling a vision Victoria and I had for him (and all our children) before he was ever born. I'm not sure I could have beheld a more beautiful sight even if I tried to orchestrate it myself.

Not wanting to disturb him, I took a short ninety degree turn to the south and decided to find another vantage point of the crosses from a different ledge at the top of the ravine. I eventually found one, completely out of sight from Austin and o' so stunningly perfect. Having just read earlier in the morning from the Gospel of John, Chapter 14, I decided to go back there and ruminate upon it some more. As I thumbed through the pages of my small Bible, I caught eye of a bird off in the distance that was flying over the stream below. I don't know why, but I then looked toward the east and I locked onto a treetop that was the tallest among the many. As I looked back and forth between the bird and the tree, I noticed it started to fly toward that very same tree as if it were determined to find the highest spot possible from which to survey the landscape. In a sense, the foul had the same desire as me, to contemplate the beauty of the Lord and quietly scream forth the glory of God.

Jesus said, as quoted by John, "Most assured- ly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." Staring out over the rocky and tree studded terrain, I couldn't shake these words from Jesus out of my mind. The Spirit just kept drawing me back to them. "Greater works"? "Anything"? How could that be? Jesus, fully God, telling me that I would do even greater things, if I ask in His name and in order that the Father might be glorified in the Son? "What have I done?", I asked myself. "What could I do?", I also asked myself. I must believe by faith that what I've done from the motive of honoring God is great, even though I may not see it as such, and I must also believe that what I might do to bring honor to God could be great, even though I may not know what that is right now. So I prayed audibly to God knowing that no one could hear my voice in the midst of my isolation, no one but God, and said, "Lord, I'm too weak to think of You over myself, and I'm too weak to break myself free from serving myself, so whatever it is that You would have me do, please force me to a place where I'm helpless and dependent. I want to do that 'anything', but I don't know what that 'anything' is. Maybe I'm already doing it and don't know it. If I'm not, then please don't let me waste another day trying to find out, but rather be content knowing that I'm doing what You've asked, and patiently waiting for the next great thing for the sake of the Kingdom."

I'm not writing my thoughts as clearly as I remember them at that moment, but I do know that the Spirit was rising up within me, and I do know that I was at an epoch of connectedness to my Father. Perhaps this Thanksgiving celebration was one of the best for me; sweet times of communion with God, wonderful times of conversation around the Scriptures with my family under the warmth of a roaring fire, and basking in the virginity of land that I truly feel is hallowed. Both Victoria and I were melancholy to leave on Sunday morning, wishing we could just stay indefinitely, knowing it was a small taste of heaven. Even Austin said as we were leaving to come home, "It kind of makes me sad to say 'good-bye' to this place." We all know how he feels.

I shall remem- ber this Thanks- giving as a highlight of life. And by God's grace, there's even more, even more. It's almost impossible to fathom.

Good night for now. I'm tired and going to bed.

Thankfully in Jesus,

Tom

A Thanksgiving of Happiness

Today we head off to Oregon again for our annual and traditional family Thanksgiving celebration. Austin and Meagan flew in last night from Colorado, and Annie and Kristen (Meagan's sister) drove up from CalPOLY San Luis Obispo. They all pulled into the driveway at the same time because Annie picked up Austin and Meagan at the airport for us. What a sweet sight to see all of us under one roof again. Our house is jammed full, but it's just as it should be. We'll pack up this morning and head out to make the six hour northward journey just as soon as we can; that will be no easy feat with nine people, including two little toddlers, all crammed into two vehicles.

We love Thanksgiving, maybe more than most any other holiday, because it's relatively stress-free. No gifts to worry about, no Internet or other technological distractions, just plain good family lovin' time. And such good memories; this may be our ninth year at the Box "R" Ranch. One year ago, Austin proposed to Meagan in this very spot where we'll be, so it'll be good to remember the formal beginning of that great union too.

We have much to be thankful for, as we do every year, but we go into this season under the peaceful banner that God has gone before us, just as He does every year of our lives. But this year we've been illumined to see more of His hand in it all, or so it seems. I don't know precisely why, perhaps we're just older and wiser, but I'd like to think it's because He's given us a greater love for Him as we've worked to get out of His way and just follow His lead. The power of His presence is eerily round and about us, not to mention in us. The knowledge of this has caused us to relax in His guidance, even when it means doing really scary things.

A Thanksgiving of Happiness it shall be for us Kruggel's.

Tom (& Victoria, Austin, Meagan, Annie, Barret, Poppy & Willow, and eventually Xiao Qian), and Kristen, of course.

Fasting & Prayer for Xiao Qian

Victoria and I are going to fast and pray for Xiao Qian from sundown tomorrow night until sundown the following day. We've invited our extended family to join in with us during this day of loving sacrifice to Jesus for the sake of one of the fatherless, and we invite anyone else to join if you're so inclined. We fast and pray not because we think it will make everyone's life that much easier, but out of love and honor to our King, believing that He's pleased and will extend mercy and grace in measures He's already ordained to those who glory in Him.

Here's the e-mail I sent to my family last week:

"Dear Family,

Mom and I will be observing a day of prayer and fast from sundown Monday to sundown Tuesday to remember Xiao Qian and pray for her throughout the day. You do not have to join in but are more than welcome. We'll be praying for the following things on her behalf:

1. A peaceful entry into our family.
2. A quick and strong bond with our family.
3. A communication connection that moves through the natural language barriers.
4. A comfortable household connection with Willow, Poppy and Barret.
5. A patient, longsuffering and persistent fortitude for Mom and me, especially when we get tired and exhausted.
6. A constant remembrance of the eternal value and investment into God's Kingdom, for all of us.
7. A safe traveling journey to and from Asia.
8. A soothing and calm period for Poppy and Willow (and Barret) while we travel out of town.
9. A quick realization by Xiao Qian that we walk by faith in Jesus, and that she would be attracted to His free gift offering.
10. A love between us all that will spring from wells eternal that never run dry.

There are so many other things we can pray for, but I wanted to jot these down while I'm thinking about it. If others come to mind, I'll forward them along.

Mom and I love you so much, and we cannot thank you enough for continuing to open your hearts to the "least of these". We know it requires sacrifice on your part, and we're confident Jesus' grace will more than satisfy whatever vacuum left by stretching your heart into areas you never dreamed possible.

We love you,

Dad & Mom"

Day's are ticking by to weeks, and weeks to months, and we're quickly approaching the time when we'll embark upon an aircraft and fly across the Pacific Ocean to meet, greet and enfold Xiao Qian into our household. We want to seize the remainder of our time left before then to ensure we've done all we can to prepare for this momentous transition.

Thank you for your love and support,

Tom (& Victoria)

Xiao Qian Update

We recently received an update on our Xiao Qian from a contact that we have in China by the name of Angela. She assisted us with some initial informational contacts with Willow before we received her, and now she's doing the same for us with Xiao Qian. Angela is a lovely woman who, as a Christian, serves others seeking to smoothly usher the transition process between adoptive parents and future adoptees. We've already sent Xiao Qian one care package through Angela, and now we've recently sent another that we know reached her because of Angela's written response, copied below (Angela also shares a few more details with us about the evolution of her given name):

"Dear Victoria,

I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I have been very busy and was sick for awhile. I am doing great now.

I called the orphanage yesterday. The Director told me when she (Xiao Qian) entered the orphanage, Dong Guan Civil Affairs Bureau director's last name is Li. So all of the children entered the orphanage in those several years have the same family name, 'Li'. They have her Xiao Qian because she is beautiful. (Qian means beautiful girl.) Since 2006 or 2007 the children were sent to the orphanage have different family names every year. There is something like poem written with all different family names. They are taking that order. For example, children entered in 2006 have same family name 'Zhao', 2007 'Qian', 2008 'Sun', 2009 'Li', etc...

The Director keeps saying she is such a beautiful girl. I think they really like her. :)

They are going to send me a close up photo later.

Blessings,

Angela

PS: She got the care package. :)"

Victoria and my spirit's were really lifted up when we received this message from Angela. We though it might be nice to pass along these updates to all of you.

Warmly in Christ,

Tom (& Victoria)

When More Requires More

I'm not so sure Trick or Treating is very good for the soul. Or maybe it is, it's just what you decide to do with what happens to the soul in the midst of it that makes it good or bad. Teaching moments with the girls abound for Victoria and me, and taking them out to collect on their most desirous delectables serves as no exception.

Now to start off with, we've chosen to make the most of Trick or Treating rather than run and hide from it. We know that not all share in our convictions about this, and there are good reasons why men and women of faith in Jesus do avoid it all costs. But our family traditions of carving pumpkins to see which family member creates the most creative creation (Barret won with his precision Minnesota Vikings carving), decorating the house with lots of happy orange faces, and dressing up in adorable, but innocent costumes are ones we hold dear and cherish with an indelible memory. We also feel they're rather benign, and work hard not to embrace the terror and horror of what seems to be the phenomenal extremes in our culture.

This was our second season of Trick or Treating with Willow, and third with Poppy. I believe that the ages of two to five may be some of the sweetest when it comes cuteness while knocking on stranger's doors and asking for candy. Of course the adults just can't resist the temptation to give the girls, dressed in a bumblebee and fairy princess outfit, respectively, just about as much candy as their eyes desire. Victoria and I watched it countless times as we reminded the girls to always say, "Thank you" after receiving every treat. Those moments, just those alone are enough teaching moments to make it all worthwhile. I don't know that anyone can say "thank you" enough, especially at their age. And it's always remarkable how easily they forget to do so after having just been reminded only three minutes earlier while at the house next door.

Which brings me to the main point of this post; that feasting your eyes on what you desire and then even receiving the bounty of that feast often tips the scales of etiquette and service on their axis. Case in point, when the girls arrived home after filling their bags with about two pounds of candy each, they dumped all of it on the family room floor to survey their loot. I remember doing that as a young boy and just being amazed that I might have enough candy to last into eternity. Victoria and I usually let them eat one or two pieces before they go to bed that night, and then we put the rest of it away until the next day. Waking up the next morning, both Poppy and Willow couldn't wait to get their hands on their bags of candy to see once again what they had garnered the night before. While getting ready for church, I let them dump the candy out on the floor again and then put each piece back in the bag from which it came. After leaving them alone, Poppy sauntered back into the bathroom where I was shaving and showed me her bag, but I noticed it was overflowing, with candy literally falling out on the floor because it was so stuffed. I asked her if that was all her candy, and she nodded and said it was, and then quickly caught herself and said that Willow had given her some of her candy. When I asked Poppy if Willow gave it to her or if she took it from her, she corrected herself and said that she took it from Willow. Another teaching moment! I knelt down, looked into those glassy, deep brown eyes like Victoria and I have so many times, and reminded her that if Jesus did what she did, then we wouldn't have Jesus at all because He gave away everything He had that we might have Him. A hard thing for a four year old to fully grasp, I'm sure, but she seemed to be genuinely convicted, if not by the Spirit then by my tone and her own conscience. So I then took her hand, walked back into the bedroom where Willow was totally unaware of being completely bamboozled by her older sister, and told Poppy to apologize to her little sister and then help sort the candy so they each had equal amounts. Dumping all the candy on the floor and mixing it up, I showed her how to find two of each kind and put one in Willow's bag and then one in hers. That seemed to work well, and they were both so happy playing the "sharing game". Of course, five minutes later I noticed that Poppy's bag was still heavier than Willow's, so we had to repeat the same procedure over again until Willow's bag actually had more. When it was all said and done, I think they were both rather pleased, and both that much wiser (at least I hope so).

When it comes to selfishness, Poppy is without guile; she doesn't know how to hide what's wrong. But Victoria and I know, and I think she's starting to see that little escapes our grasp. This is a good thing because nothing escapes God's grasp. We don't want any of our children to fear us, but we want them to revere us, knowing that there's infinite amounts of grace, mercy and love to dole out if they will but trust us. This image we want them to see of Jesus our Lord, and this image we want indelibly etched into their memories far more than any family tradition or scrumptious delectable.

When we receive more, we often require more. But when we realize that we've received just enough and don't need anymore, then we can enjoy the joy that we were created to crave. At Victoria's and my age, we're still trying to remember that we need no more, and that giving away what little we have is greater than any delectable this world has to offer, even infinite amounts of candy.

Requiring no more,

Tom (& Victoria)

Streams of Consciousness

[I must warn you that if you choose to read this it may make little sense to you, but it makes all the sense in the world to me. I apologize if my random thoughts and streams of consciousness bore you, but I partially process by writing, and by writing I find solace. Feel free to pass on this read.]

So here I am at 35,000 feet, flying over the Rocky Moun- tains en route to Char- lotte, North Carolina for a business trip. I’m surrounded by people, all destined for the same place, sitting so close and side by side, yet distant strangers that I will probably never see again in this lifetime; seems odd. Looking out the window I see the snow capped peaks, beautifully and radiantly reflecting the sun’s unobstructed rays. Glancing upward I can also see a contrast of the darkest shades of blue that lead to an expanse that blows my mind if I contemplate it very long.

I just shot Austin and Meagan an e-mail that they won’t receive until I land, letting them know I know they’re somewhere down there in my eye’s shot; I’m so close and yet so far. Wish I could swoop down and just drop in on them; a happy and glorious vision.

I’ve been thinking a lot and journal- ing lately in what I call “Grains of Grace” about my purpose, my calling in life. We all seek to know and understand with full and complete clarity what that is. There is certainly a universal and overarching mission for all of mankind, and without question in my own mind it’s to live honorably before God in order that all honor be directed away from us and toward Him (cf. Matthew 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27). It never ceases to amaze me just how difficult that is. I, for one, constantly want to be my own god in order that others might honor me, thereby deflecting what’s due my Creator and bouncing it back in my direction. One of my greatest sorrows is that I’ll wrestle with this for the rest of my life, and yet one of my greatest joys is that God’s illumined me just enough to both realize and see it for what it is, dishonor in its purest and most raw state.

But beneath that paramount destiny, there’s a derivative vocation that I believe each of us is also called to fulfill. I also know this to be true because in the tapestry of God’s design He’s fulfilled the fullness of His image in His image bearers by granting each a measure of giftedness to be exercised while there is breath and while there is day (cf. Romans 12:6). He could have given every person the complete and perfect measure of His image, but He chose to save that for one, The One known as Jesus, His Son. So while I possess His image, it’s stained and it’s tarnished. Thankfully He sees me through the tinted lens of Jesus’ red blood which corrects that blurred image into one that’s righteous. And when all of His image bearers are functioning as they’re designed, in community with one another, then the harmony of their orchestration echoes the heavenly honor originally created in each of us.

But getting back to that special, unique giftedness that He’s granted unto me and me alone; what is that, and how is it to be fleshed out for the remainder of my life? Lately I’ve been getting on my knees in the early morning, while Victoria’s on her brisk walk and the rest of the family is sleeping, to beg God that I wouldn’t let one more day, one more hour, one more minute or one more second be wasted into something that doesn’t last for eternity. I’ve lived more than I’ll live, and the hourglass of life has more sand in the bottom than it does the top. Once a grain falls through the slender orifice it cannot defy gravity and re-enter the upper half. So in my prayers God has opened my eyes once again to the call of Jesus, the perfect image bearer, which is also my call, my vocation. And what is that? Sacrifice and surrender. If “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45a), then so should the sons of God not come to be served but to serve. My joy is complete in sacrifice, and my purpose is fulfilled in surrender. This is true for not only the redeemed, but also partially for the unregenerate. I look around and am astounded by the number of philanthropic and humanitarian organizations seeking to do good for others out of sacrifice and surrender. This, too, reflects the image of God. But I also live in a dualistically sinful culture that constantly contravenes and deforms that charitable DNA God’s placed in the fiber of my sinew. The extremes of selflessness and selfishness are not only dichotomous, but puzzlingly dissonant.

So now I feel as though I’ve got my primary and secondary callings defined, they’re elementary really; (i) the honor of God and not myself, and (ii) the sacrifice and surrender of self. Now, in sacrifice and surrender I honor God, provided my heart seeks to do so out of love for Him, but just how shall I sacrifice and surrender? Into what shall I do so? My family, my church and my work for sure, but is there yet something more, something even more specific? This is what I’m praying for, and this is what I hope God reveals to me soon. Maybe I’ve already found it and don’t know it. That wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Walking down a sidewalk to meet with some friends for dinner last night I said to God, “This is great, Lord. In fact, it doesn’t get much better than this. I have a chance to be with two men I love, and we get to spend time investing into one another over a delicious meal and working through things that will last into eternity. I cannot think of a better way to spend my time right now. Thank You for granting me this privilege, but more importantly thank You for allowing me to see the glory of this opportunity for what it is, and not for what it isn’t.”

These are crazy thoughts, I know, and one’s that mean more to me than to anyone else. Typing this out like this helps so much. I suspect Victoria and my older children understand and identify with what I’m writing. (‘Thank you my dear family for being so patient with me.’)

Searching for that ultimate sacrifice and service in and through Jesus,

Tom