What More Shall We Do?

This morning my family heard a God-exalting, Christ saturated sermon from an Old Testament passage that is often considered by many, including myself until recently, as a real "downer".

You may listen, if you'd like, to this sermon by clicking on the link: http://graceforus.org/resources/media/?sermon_id=98

The book of Ecclesiastes, as recently quoted on many Sundays from our pulpit, may be one of the most misunderstood books of the Bible. Ironically, I've always loved Ecclesiastes for the very reason that it's misunderstood - it deals with the real stuff of life with seemingly no answer to its deepest and most perplexing questions. But the author (the "preacher" - Solomon) does, in deed, have the answers, given by God Himself. And while the paradoxes of life and the injustices of humanity have plagued us all since the fall of man, there is good news. But where is that good news in the midst of suffering? Where is that good news among those starving for food and glamoring for water? Where is that good news among the 147,000,000 orphans scattered across the globe? Solomon had seen, just like we, "under the sun that in the place of justice there is wickedness, and in the place of righteousness there is wickedness. I said to myself, 'God will judge both the righteous man and the wicked man,' for a time for every matter and for every deed is there." (Chapter 3:16-17) So I ask again, "Where is the good news?" That God will judge. In the end, He will judge. I am not the arbiter, the mediator or the judge. I don't like what I see - the injustice, the orphans, the helpless, the hungry, the poor... but in the end, when it's all said and done, when I'm no longer here to worry and fret about these things, there will come a day that God will right the wrongs. My simple faith and trust (given as a gift to me) in the most heinous of all injustices, the Suffering Servant Jesus, is the bedrock covering that rights my all my wrongs.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.
He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set free those who are downtrodden,
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord." (Luke 4:18-19)

This sermon touched me today, more than most. No doubt the Spirit had (or has) some work for me here. It touched me because of the jolting reminder of life's injustices, but even more about what's not being done about them. I take great comfort in the final chapter that's already been written, for which I have been given just a glimpse of insight into. But for the short time being, that short time remaining in my and Victoria's lives, we are the ones anointed by Jesus. We are the ones He's left to preach the gospel to the poor. We are the ones to proclaim release to the captives. We are the ones (among so many).

There was a moment at the tail end of the sermon when it was said that we cannot adopt all of the orphans in the world (referring to Solomon's statement that he "saw the tears of the oppressed and that they had no one to comfort them;" - Ecclesiastes 4:1b). I know the context in which it was said and understand the statement for its intended meaning. Nonetheless, I heard it as a challenge, and I asked myself, "Why not? Why can't we adopt all of the orphans in the world?" We can, and we must. Not Tom and Victoria Kruggel, but all of us together. I believe that if every Christian who could would adopt one motherless and fatherless child, we would quickly see the end of this travesty. And while it will most certainly come to an end in the end, until the end we must simply press on as if it will be conquered before the end. I'm convicted, and I'm seeking.

What more shall we do? (Pray with us.)

One Month Later

Before we post a follow-up to "Jesus in China", I'd like to write a little bit about hitting our one month anniversary of our "gotcha day". This is a euphemism in the adoption world for the first day you're greeted with your new adoptive child. For us that was January 25th, just a little over one month ago. To use an often over-quoted saying, we really cannot believe that it's already been one month. In some ways it feels like just yesterday, and in so many other ways it feels like each day has lasted more than 24 hours.

This morning, Saturday, Victoria allowed me to sleep in. (I've been working my tail off lately flying up and down the coast, traveling east and so on to be involved in annual performance reviews for the approximate 425 people that fall under my supervisory purview at work. Although grueling, this is my favorite time of the work year because I get to talk about and spend focused time praising and encouraging some of the most remarkable people in world, or at least I think so. This is one of the reasons I haven't been able to post as much as I'd like.) Upon awaking and lying in bed alone, I thought about each one of my children and my wife, wondering what they were doing at that very moment. Turns out Austin and Meagan were in the Rockies enjoying an exciting day of downhill skiing, Annie was getting ready to head off to work in San Luis Obispo, Barret was at a volleyball scrimmage at a nearby high school, the little ankle-biters were up and running around the house, Victoria was trying to have a quiet time (emphasis on the word "trying" because she was constantly interrupted by Poppy and Willow), and Piper was lounging around after the little girls woke her up earlier than she really wanted (they're just too giggly and they all three sleep in the same room together - in fact, I can hear all three of them goofing around in the room across the hall right now as I type this, and it's after 10:00 this evening). As it turns out, Piper was super tired because she stayed up (much to our chagrin) until 1:00 a.m. Skype-ing with some friends in China - I think we're going to have to put some boundaries on that in the future... that's what parents are supposed to do, but we failed this time.

Knowing that we would be spending a good part of the day in the City of San Francisco enjoying the Chinese New Year's Parade (one of the largest, if not the largest in the country), we decided we would stay home for the morning and just relax a little. Not long into our relaxation mode, Piper decided to grab a piece of construction paper and sketch out a calendar for the month of February. I poked my head over her shoulder from time to time to see how her progress was coming along, never really asking her what she was doing but o' so curious to know what her intentions were (after all, the month of February only has one more day left in it). Later on, when I peered over her shoulder just one more time, I noticed she was writing Chinese characters into each of the days of the month, sentences if you will, together with simple three-pen stroke faces with two eyes and a mouth. She was uncharacteristically quiet, determined to complete her task (which is not uncharacteristic of her).

So what does all of this have to do with her "gotcha day"? Well, as it turns out Piper decided to journal the last month of her life (see picture above), and those Chinese character sentences were her paraphrased remembrances of her most significant times during each one of those days of the month. Rather than share with you our perspective of the last month, it would be better for you to know her perspective. And as it turns out, almost every face she drew in each one of the days of the month was a happy face. She had a few faces that were neither happy nor sad (straight line for the mouth), one face that was sad, and one face with tears on it. So let me explain, because she meticulously explained each day of the month to Victoria and me after she completed her journal. Almost every day has been happy, for the most part, remembering her first train ride, shopping with Annie, games with Austin, Meagan and Barret, going to parks, etc... They're event oriented, but always with family. The days where she was neither happy nor sad were days when she was either tired (had to run the mile at school one day) or exposed to a large number of new people at one time, like church or school (she does not like entering into new environments with a lot of unfamiliar people, at least not now and not here in America). Her one sad face was her first day of school (although she sort of begged to go school for days before she went), and her one day of tears was when I made an innocent faux pas that frightened her so. (I may share more about that in another post. She let it go about five minutes later after the incident, but I cannot seem to shake it so easily. Such is Piper, and such am I.)

I guess where we're coming out with all of this is that the entire month has been nothing short of pure joy, from both of our perspectives. We know how we feel, but to know how she feels, why that's a little more difficult to uncover. This calendar, this journal is the closest thing we've been able to dive into in order to know how she's viewed all that's happened to her in the last month. From this 14 year old perspective, life is pretty happy most of the time. While we know that this is part of her God-given disposition, we also know that part of God's given grace has gone before all of our family to usher this transition through the sweetness we've all experienced.

So this one month "gotcha day" anniversary is reflective of joy, and also reflective of thankfulness. Each of you have contributed to this joy through so many means, and together we say "Happy Anniversary".

Gotcha,

Jesus in China

There are just so many things Victoria and I would like to write and journal about our recent trip to China. The blog posts just cannot do it justice, just as the written word of any kind cannot fully capture anyone’s experiences regardless of how simple they might be. What we really wanted to write about while there couldn’t be written out of concern that it might compromise some remarkably miraculous activities orchestrated by what we’re confident is activity from the Spirit of the Living God. When in China, encounters with true Christianity (salvation found in Jesus alone) through Christians must be sought out, and even then they’re not as easy to find and identify as in America (although one might argue, perhaps accurately so, that they’re hard to find and identify here too). I will not elaborate on all of the reasons why as there are many speculations as well as first-hand experiences that give testimony to what’s known as governmentally endorsed churches and also the “underground” church. (It's important to remember that China is also a very large territory, and diversity abounds.) Victoria and I have experienced both in China, and are amazed, simply amazed by what the Lord is doing to enlarge His Kingdom in this expansive foreign land on the other side of the globe.

Never dreaming that we would travel to China this time and encounter any Christians at all, we came with our Bibles ready to read in our hotel rooms, with our spirits ready to worship wherever we were, and with our minds ready to pray together at times when alone. The beauty of prayer, the beauty of the Bible stored in the caverns of your heart and mind, and the beauty of the Spirit of the Living God residing in your soul is that it travels with you wherever you are, and no one, absolutely no one can steal that from you.

Our American-framed Christian paradigms about China were first shattered on that premier day we encountered Xiao Qian. After our initial, and somewhat awkward and emotional meeting in the Civil Affairs Office in Guangzhou, Xiao Qian pulled out one of a few photo albums in her possession and carefully pointed to and named each person in each photograph. Surprisingly, there were some foreigners in the photographs, which we initially thought was a bit unusual. Our guide/translator watchfully listened to Xiao Qian’s descriptions and then communicated their names back to us. About half way through one of the photo albums, he said that one of the individuals was her Bible teacher. He was certain this was a mistake, and even told us as much. He then asked Xiao Qian to clarify what she said, and he repeated what she originally stated. “She says this person (pointing with his finger) is her Bible teacher. I don’t think that is right because we do not have in China.” We thought she must be wrong too and sort of blindly concurred with our guide’s assessment. This sort of registered in our minds however, among a myriad of other things transpiring all at the same time (too much for the brain to apprehend), and we just stored it there along with our Bible verses I referenced earlier.

The next very unusual Chinese Christian experience we had was when we got back to the hotel room and started to unpack Xiao Qian’s things from her backpack. After pulling out few origami crafts, some chicken feet snacks, and a couple of gifts, she then pulled out a book that looked all too familiar to us, her Bible (or so we thought it was a Bible because it was all written in Chinese characters which we obviously cannot read). I believe I posted about this while in China, but wanted to write it down again here so I have full record of it, and to also provide you with a full context of what transpired that day. This was the second exposure to Jesus in China while on our mission to adopt Xiao Qian, an exposure that simply blew us away.

The next blow away is the event that almost literally took our breath away, and it’s the moment the light bulb about Xiao Qian’s past really started to glimmer. I’ve briefly posted about it before, and will now wait until another post to journal it again. For now, I must go to bed as I’m having a very difficult time keeping my eyes open.

Few pictures this time, but thanks for reading,

"Look At Us!"

Less than one week ago Piper celebrated her 14th birthday in the safety and the comfort of our home. This birthday had more significance for her and us than just another passing year. In China, when an orphan hits their 14th year of birth, they (what is commonly known in adoption circles) "age-out". This means that they're no longer eligible for adoption and are now under the guardianship of the Civil Affairs Office of China for the remainder of their childhood. The government grants no grace or latitude here - the date is the date and that's it. Where they do grant grace is for those older children who are in the queue for adoption (like Piper); in these cases they actually expedite the process to ensure they're adopted before their 14th birthday is "celebrated". And for Piper this means that she shifted her guardian(s) just in the nick of time. Or should I rather say that the Lord orchestrated all of this to transpire just in the nick of time? Most orphaned children in China know that the closer they come to the age of 14, time is running out for them. Sadly, there are literally thousands of children in their pre-teen and early teen years that are desperately pleading in their own hearts, and in their own ways, that a mother and a father might bring them into their fold. We know this to be the case, and we also know that those over the age of 14 that have not been adopted often ask themselves, "Why? Why wasn't I chosen?" These are profound questions that have much deeper meaning than the simplicity of just the words themselves. While in China on our last trip to lasso Piper into our bosom, we heard an older child in just this state ask such a question behind a sorrowful face of tears and a brokenhearted soul. When face to face with these children (rather than just reading about them or thinking of them in terms of one among millions), your heart melts and you just want to bring them all home with you if you could. I believe most people would feel this way, which is why we need to place ourselves in the midst of hardship and heartache to propel that God given instinct into high gear in order do what He would do.

While celebrating Piper's 14th birthday around the kitchen table, we asked her what her past birthdays were like when in China. She said they were either rarely celebrated, or if so only remotely acknowledged in passing and with little fanfare. I believe this is partly because birthdays don't have as much celebratory significance in China as they do here in America, but also because during most of her life she didn't have anyone to draw attention to her special day. But in her mind she had built this one up for herself, and you could see it in her eyes. Earlier in the day she asked Victoria what we were going to do throughout the day. Victoria told her that the first thing we needed to do was to get cleaned up and then get dressed. This is the common of order of things. But when she heard the word "dressed", she thought this meant that she could wear a dress, so she immediately went to her closet and picked out one that Annie and Victoria had recently bought for her. She also assumed that Victoria was going to wear a dress and wanted to make sure that she put one on too. After Piper groomed herself and put on that dress she especially picked out, she came out of the room, found us, and then stood in front of our full gaze with a cock in her head and a smile on her face. We knew exactly what she was thinking - "Look at me, MaMa and BaBa! I'm beautiful." And you know what? She was... she was indeed. Both Victoria and Piper were beautiful that day. That moment almost brought me to tears.

Later in the evening, before we opened gifts, things had settled down a bit in our household (the decibel level has risen dramatically around our home since Piper came into it). Poppy and Willow had decided to paint with water colors while I barbecued some chicken and Victoria prepared other portions of our special meal. Piper, who has already admittedly stated that she's not the artistic type (in so many words), decided to grab a blank piece of paper and freehand paint something of her own with the same watercolors the little girls were using. She delicately chose specific colors and rinsed her brush after each stroke, clearly having a vision in mind of what she wanted to craft. After about 15 to 20 minutes she had finished what she began, and with her affect demonstratively exhibiting pride in her handiwork. Holding up was was now a colorful piece of what was once a blank piece of paper, she said, "Look!" She then described the green tree with it's brown trunk (like something you'd see in a childhood picture book) and all of its inhabitants - birds within and fluttering around it. She especially pointed out that there were ten birds in the painting, and then she said they were all "our family". Baba (me) was highest in the tree, with the three Chinese girls nestled into their nest just below (Piper, Willow and Poppy). Meagan and Austin were flying underneath the tree, and Barret, Annie and Brian (Annie's boyfriend) were on the other side of it. Mama was below finding food to bring back up to the three chicks in the nest. As she carefully described each member of the flock, we saw the look on her face - it was the same one she had when she put on that dress in the morning and non-verbally said, "Look at me." She was now saying, "Look at us." Victoria and I were stunned by the imagery, and our hearts were warmed. This is her first birthday where the nest in which shall will roost will be her nest for the rest of her life. There's no more wondering, no more waiting, no more fretting about whether she's been left behind. She's nestled, safe and secure.

Framing this picture,

A Bunch of Special Days

So much has happened in our lives since we returned from China with Xiao Qian. While I posted awhile ago that we’re searching for our “new normal”, I can state with confidence that we’re far from finding it yet, but we’re also content just working through the process of trying to get there. One of the reasons we’re nowhere close is because almost every day we’ve been back there’s been something big and special happening. Let me give you a few examples:

As soon as we returned from Asia we spent the next few days just trying to unpack and settle into our surroundings. Of course we had Austin and Meagan with us too, so there was all of this excitement about just being with them knowing they would have to leave in just a few days. As I’ve written about before, it was hard to see them leave, and I think particularly strange for Poppy, Willow and Barret because they had all bonded so well together in our absence. Those were big, special days.

Once Austin and Meagan left (Victoria and I had our “melt-down” the night before), I headed off to work for the first time in almost three weeks, and Barret also had to head off to school for the day. That created a huge vacuum for Victoria and the girls – the first time I’d ever been apart from Xiao Qian since having her, and the first time all of the girls were alone together. Huge adjustments, no doubt, and also for me at work (my mind was on my family at home the entire day). That was a big, special day.

The next day I went to Sacramento for a business trip and also had to attend an Elder’s meeting that night, so I didn’t get to see the family again for another whole day. Victoria ran several errands with all of the girls which got Xiao Qian out of the house for perhaps the first time since we had returned. Again, another big, special day! (These may not seem big and special in the scheme of regular life, but when undergoing massive amounts of disruption, they’re big, believe me.)

The following day Annie returned from college to see her new sister, and many of us stayed up late waiting for her arrival. It was a sweet union to be sure, but all were puckered out with the build-up of her immersion and all of the other changes undergone throughout that day. Another big and special day!

Victoria, Annie and Piper went shopping all day the next day to buy Piper clothing for school and just everyday life. Although fun and eventful, it was still life changing and new. The girls all had a great time together trying to figure out what Xiao Qian liked, while also identifying things that might blend in with her new culture. She’s pretty opinionated, so it wasn’t hard to determine her preferences. The clothing she picked out is adorable, and she seems to especially like bright colors – purples and pinks. Yes, another big and special day, again.

The next day Barret brought Xiao Qian into the City (San Francisco) to see me at work and the local sights. (Victoria came down with the flu that morning and ended up spending the entire day in bed. We all felt so bad for her.) Annie stayed home to take care of Mom and prepare for a wedding shower she was hosting in our home for about 30 other women the next day. Xiao Qian was thrilled to see the sights of downtown San Francisco, and was especially enthralled with what she referred to as the “Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Dings” (cable-cars). Yet another big and special day, especially because MaMa never really rose from the bed until the next morning.

The weekend was packed! The wedding shower took place at our home on Saturday (I took all of my sweet Chinese daughters into Oakland to explore some trails together), Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day were on Sunday (not to mention a full day of church and Xiao Qian’s first exposure to 100’s of our friends), and Xiao Qian’s fourteenth birthday was on Monday. Big events on every day! You should have seen our household, moving from a wedding party scene, to a Chinese New Year festive theme, to a Valentine’s theme, to a Birthday theme. We were wrapping, taping, surprising, eating… you name it.

The next day, yesterday, was Piper’s first day of ELD (English Language Development) at the local school. She was really looking forward to going, but also a little timid about the whole thing (so Victoria says). Registration and all of the preparations for that first day took a lot of work, but she made it through (the school administrators were so nice and helpful). Later that day Victoria took Piper out to get her some eye-glasses (she’s very, very near sighted). Now she can see (a must for school, of course, and just everyday life). You should also see her new glasses, they’re so chic. The umpteenth special day since we’ve been home.

Well, while all of this excitement and change is fun and rewarding, it’s also exhausting. Victoria and I (especially Victoria) are longing for some routine, and we feel that now’s the time to start settling into that. We believe that this week we’ll turn a new leaf and make progress toward that end. Bedtimes and showers will fall into a pattern, meals and clean-up, dressing and preparing, school and church, homework and play… you know. Today is perhaps one of the first where it just seems like equilibrium is starting to kick in.

We have some fun stories to tell later, so we’ll post about those soon. I think that’s about enough special excitement for one post.

Warmly in Christ,

A Straightforward Update

A few have recently asked us for just some basics, you know, a simple update on some of the practical things that are happening in our lives now that Xiao Qian has been with us here at our home for about a week. So here we go (these questions came from a fellow adoptive friend in Texas):

• How are the little girls doing? - You know, the girls (Poppy & Willow) are doing remarkably well. No doubt this is a huge adjustment for them, more that we could ever really know since they're really not able to convey what's going on inside of them at their age. We've seen a little more acting out from them, mostly pouting from Willow (which is a real "no-no" [bu-hao] in our household), but we've showered them with a lot of grace knowing that this is probably tougher on them then they're even exhibiting. There's no doubt they love having an older sister that can sort of get goofy with them at their level. But also, knowing these girls as well as we do, they're definitely processing a lot and trying to absorb this "new normal" into their lives. One sweet anecdotal visual for you: The other evening all three girls were sleeping in their room (they all start off sleeping together in the same room with Poppy and Willow on the trundle and Xiao Qian in the lower bunk) and they were being so rambunctious together - laughing, giggling, bouncing around, etc... It was well after 10:00 p.m. and I must have gone in there three or four times to settle them down. Each time they would all just look at me with a big grin on their face, sort of saying behind their breath, "I'll be good, I'll be good." I just couldn't get upset with them, not for real. They're so cute together.

• How is Piper's English coming along? Again, remarkably well. We're amazed at her English skills. I would equate them to a level four or five year old in America, but as I've said to so many, I'd rather have that than nothing at all. So on a communication level, all three of our children from China are at basically the same scale, with Poppy perhaps leading the pack at this time. We're confident Piper will move at lightning speed and pick up English rapidly. We've already seen huge strides in such a short period of time. We think a lot of those English words were buried down inside of her from her Chinese education (which, by the way, we just found out only started when she was nine and half years old - she never went to school before then, so she has a lot of catching up to do). Don't forget, that Xiao Qian is already bilingual with Mandarin and Cantonese.

• What does Piper think of her new home? This is an excellent question. Bottom line - we don't really know for sure, but from every outward appearance she seems to love it. It's so foreign to her, especially now that we've actually seen where she used to live in China with her caregiver. We've had a lot of people ask us if she's happy to be in America. Really, I don't think she cares where she is, as long as she has a family. And as we've come to learn, almost all of these orphans just want a family - a mother and a father.

• Has Piper shed any tears yet or is she soaking it in as happily as it appears from the photos? Another excellent question. One thing's for sure - we've never seen her shed any tears or anything close to it (except when she said "goodbye" to her very close friends from China). We've even asked her how she feels, and she doesn't know how to translate the English word "feels" into her Chinese vocabulary. She's even replied, "I doh know this 'feeling'." We've made motions with our hands across our faces as if tears were coming down to signal if this might be how she feels from time to time, and she always just smiles and says, "It's O. K." This girl is just genuinely happy, almost all of the time. We've seen her energy level swing from highs to lows, but that doesn't really seem to impact her affect.

• What does Barret think of going from the youngest to the eldest over three younger sisters? One of the most beautiful aspects of this adoption is watching our son, Barret, fall in love with his new found sister. I don't think the order or chronology of where he fits into the family tree really matters much to him, although I do think there's some satisfaction feeling like he's a big brother to three younger sisters. The night before we left for China to pick up Xiao Qian, Barret came into the study room where Victoria and I were and asked, "Sooo, is this adoption really going to happen?" Meaning, "Are you guys really going through with this?" We realized at that moment it was then that his light bulb lit on this thing and it was becoming a reality. And now that we're home, the reality has become blissful, and he's just tenderly embraced her as blood kin, loving her in demonstrative ways that just bring joy to Victoria and me. We're proud of him, love him, and are so grateful for his bonds with this family.

• Are we still suffering from jet-lag? Yes, one week later I think we're finally back on this time zone, although we did have our dangerous moments (one of which I blogged about when I practically fell asleep at the wheel after not sleeping for well over two days - thank God for CalTrans and those little bumps between freeway lanes that awoke me just in the nick of time). Xiao Qian is also acclimated to our time zone and adjusting to all of that just fine.

So that's it for now. I know there are a gazillion more questions, which we're more than happy to post about if anyone has them. But for now perhaps this post will give some practical, straightforward facts about some of the more regular and routine aspects of life that I don't often write about.

We thank you for continuing to follow our journey even though we're no longer on the other side of the world (in some respects we still are, from an adjustment perspective, and suspect we'll be "foreigners" for quite a bit longer).

We love you,

Finding the "New Normal"

When I first heard the now common phrase, "'such-and-such' is the new ______", I had no idea what it meant. (I'm a little slow with these kinds of things.) But now it's a very familiar saying for me. For example, in my vocational industry (commercial real estate), "flat is the new up". In other words, we're just happy that we're no longer in a free-fall, so if things will just stabilize, it's as if it were improving.

For us Kruggel's, we have lots of "news" in our family now that Xiao Qian (Piper Joy) is here. Let me share just a few:

1. Chaos is the new organized.
2. Loud is the new moderate.
3. Asian food is the new American.
4. Busyness is the new steady.
5. Physical contact is the new distance.
6. Crowded is the new spacious.
7. Community is the new solitude.
8. Talking is the new silence.
9. Laughter is the new serenity.
10. Games are the new leisure.
11. English is the new Mandarin.
12. Change is the new normal.

Depending upon how one views these things, they may either be welcome or disdained. For us, they're welcome (at least most of the time). There is one "new" that really seems to stand out to me, however, and that's "Margin-less is the new peaceful." (Being surrounded by people brings contentedness.) We Kruggel's (at least in our household) are relative isolationists. What do I mean by this? We're naturally inclined to keep to ourselves, rarely letting people into our "space" and preferring a distance when hospitality is an option. We loathe this about ourselves and recognize it for what it is - selfishness. And because we know ourselves all too well, we need to fight against that which defines the core of who we are. We do that by surrounding ourselves with others, but when people easily come into and out of our lives within the context of our transient and distant culture, it's too easy to cocoon into our sorry estate of selfishness without too much resistance. So to come full circle on selfishness, we find that increasing the size of our family forces us to lay down that which entangles our heart away from holiness. Of course, our motives for serving children have varied fingers that spin off the hand, but in our attempt to give away what doesn't belong to us, we invariably find that it also squashes that which we wish didn't belong in us.

One of the greatest joys for me about this first week of transition with Piper Joy and finding our new normal has been watching Victoria's spirit blossom as a mother. She's always been, in my estimation, one of the best mom's any child could wish for (although she'll be the first to admit that she often doesn't feel that way). Let's face it, being a parent isn't easy. In fact, I was recently telling my son Austin that getting married, having children and adopting have been the hardest things I've ever done in my life. But there's something that seems to come alive in most of us when we sacrifice for the sake of one another. That aliveness is love. And when love comes alive, when love takes you in (as Steven Curtis Chapman so eloquently sings about), everything changes. Now, in spite of that ugly thing inside of me that wants to run away from love, I find that love captures, it enraptures me while in the midst of others. Just when I think that loving myself is the best thing I can do for me, when placed in places where sacrificial love is inescapable I am now fulfilled as I was designed, just as God fashioned me. I see this happening to me, I see it happening to Victoria, and I see it happening to my other children. It's all unfolding right before our eyes and it's a wonder to behold. The more the merrier. And the reason it's merrier is because love outside of ourselves is happening whether we want it to or not. I only wish I had figured this out long before now. Most of you reading this already knew this, but as I started in this post, I'm pretty slow.

Listening to Victoria tell me about running to the doctor's office, picking up food, making meals, putting the girls down for a nap, doing laundry, calling her other children that are away, helping with homework, making school lunches, dropping the kids off for school and speech therapy, struggling through language barriers, navigating through a disheveled household, on so on and so forth, brings out the best in her (and my children and me too). I can hear it in her voice, "This is so good, even though I'm exhausted."

If there was ever a doubt in my mind before we started this family and allowed it to grow as it has, there's none now. This is how it should be for us Kruggel's. "Thank you O dear God for showing me and giving me these gifts that are so elementary, and yet so You."

Loving this "new normal",

A Short Post... This Time

"Zao Chen Hao" Our Dear Friends & Family,

We will write a more detailed post soon (there's just so much to tell, and so much we're excited about), but time over the last couple of days has been limited. Early mornings, late evenings, and packed bonding in between. As Victoria has recently said on various occasions, "We need to make up for thirteen years, so our bonding with Piper Joy (Xiao Qian) must move at mach speed." That means we take every spare moment we have just to be with her - read, talk, eat, cook, groom, run errands, etc... All is so well, far too well, especially with our souls.

Piper got her ears pierced yesterday while at the doctor's office for her first medical check-up. She's quite proud of them, and we all think she's "piaoliang" (beautiful). Our icing on the cake, as if it could get any thicker right now, was Annie's return from college for the weekend. She arrived at midnight last night. "Welcome home Annie, and enjoy your new mei mei (little sister) today."

Boo hoo, off to work (although I do love my job too - I'm so blessed).

Covered from head to toe in grace,

So What's In A Name?

So what's in a name, anyway? (I've blogged about this before.) In China it's everything. There's great significance and meaning. Oftentimes it defines the person, providing elucidation to who they are and the character traits they possess. Names are adored in China, and most everyone there seems to feel that every name is beautiful and every name is good. In America, names are cute, they're fun or they just plain sound good or cool. Sometimes they represent the remembrance of someone older in the family, like a father, mother, grandfather or grandmother.

For us, naming Xiao Qian something other than Xiao Qian has been difficult. We've always wanted to keep her Chinese name so that she has that connection to her motherland. But we also just like the name, and we like it's meaning (read side-bar definition in right hand column of this Blog). In fact, we've kept the Chinese names for our other adoptive daughters - Poppy's is Zu Qiao, and Willow's is Hui Xuan. (I won't provide the phonetic pronunciation here. Besides, I'd probably butcher it. Xiao Qian still laughs profusely at my pathetic Mandarin "skills".) We love all of our kids names and feel special bonds to them, like most people do to theirs and their children's. All of ours have two syllables, but other than that it's hard to find a common theme between them, other than the fact that poppies and willow trees happen to be forms of plant life (which wasn't necessarily intentional, by the way).

So many have asked, "What will you name her?" Well, we've finally landed on a name and would like to share it with you. We're going with the two syllable theme, and we're going with a name that we also really love (of course) and feel is fun. But we're also giving her a name that fills us with great joy in our hearts because of what the Lord has done for us. And because of what He has done for us, we can sing and make melody with our heart "to the Lord". (Ephesians 5:19b) When we think of this verse, we think of a piper with a flute joyfully whistling a tune of jubilee. So you see, because Jesus has put a new song into our hearts, we're singing a new melody, and we're doing it with a new instrument, the family instrument of Piper Joy, and thus her new name.

Piper's have a homonym meaning too, which we think also visually describes this remarkable girl that is now a Kruggel. They're fast running birds, scurrying about here and there trying to find their next apetizing morsel to consume while perfectly dodging wave water on the beach's edge. They're so cute, and so full of life and energy. We can't think of a better creation to describe who this little gift of Piper Joy is to us.

So there you have it, Piper Joy Xiao Qian Kruggel. Quite the mouthful, isn't it? When we asked her if she would mind if we named her Piper Joy, she said that would be just fine. I think she would have been content with any name that we gave her, quite frankly. But when we described what pipers were, under both definitions, she seemed to light up and thought it was very acceptable. We believe she'll also grow to love it with time.

Thank you for joining with us in making a joyful noise unto the Lord, knowing that He is the only one that can change a heart and make it love as He loves. That's a melody composed by the Maestro, and that's the song we sing over her.

Wan an (good-night) Piper Joy,

Much Needed Sleep

Family & Friends,

For the first time in "I don't know how long", and after almost two solid days of no sleep at all (I think I pulled an "all-nighter" the night before - haven't done that since my college days), I slept for a solid nine and a half hours straight. The ole saying that "sleep is overrated"? I never loved it so much as last night. I almost fell asleep at the wheel on the way home from work (Victoria said to me after I told her this, "Don't leave me now!") and also literally dosed off in the middle of our "Skip-Bo" game last night with Xiao Qian and Victoria. I definitely "crashed".

I'm off to work today, but wanted to thank everyone for their loving encouragements from the last post. That was written after our melt-down night (seems like we have one right after every adoption, and I'm sure many more will come). It needed to be gushed, written and worked out. The Lord has been, and is our sustenance, and He met us (as He always does) in our greatest hour of need. Victoria's day with the girls yesterday couldn't have been better. It was time for the other members of the family to scatter for awhile. And it's now time for me to scatter again for work. I just couldn't leave the house without writing to all of you; "Thank you so very, very much."

Awaking,

Dog-Paddling

I vividly remember as a young child wanting so bad to learn how to swim. But, I was afraid of the water. Most of my friends and relatives could swim, but being the cautious one that I was I just couldn't bring myself to jump in with both feet or let go of the edge of the pool. My Dad and others would stand in the shallow end and urge me on with confident reminders that they would not let me drown but would catch me if I'd only trust them to do so. I was ashamed of my fear and would often sit by the side of the water watching while all the other children, many of which were much younger than me, laugh, splash and play in the pool like they were fish. Eventually, one day, my Dad stood where he always stood near the pool's edge waiting and patiently pleading with me to push off the wall and glide the two feet it took to reach his arms. As promised, he embraced me and shouted with glee, "He did it!" Everyone clapped. I was so proud, and from then on out I inched my way at further distances from the pool's ledge while my Dad caught me and also taught me how to dog paddle. He was true to his promise, and I learned to love to swim like all the others.

In our adoption of Xiao Qian, Victoria and I now find ourselves at the in between stage of settling in as a family. We're between the pool's edge and the one waiting to catch us with open arms. Believe us when we tell you that we're in uncharted waters, and they're deep and we don't know how to swim to our rescuer. In one sense we feel with confident assurance Jesus gently nudging our backs with His fingers and pleading to loose our hands from the safety of land. We've let go and committed to go to our next point of safety. And in another sense, we can see His face on our front side, with a big smile on it, standing with open arms ready to grab us just before we sink. But there's a little bit of gasping, a little bit of feverish scurrying about in the water, and we're swallowing some water. Austin and Meagan must go home, Barret must go back to school, I must go back to work, and Victoria must stay home and manage the household with a stranger, really, someone that we already love and will grow to love more, but someone that we've only known now for two weeks. It's a scary place, and it's the place we knew long before this moment arrived that we would find ourselves in. As Victoria and I spoke about this last night, we cried together because we knew life as we formerly knew it would never be the same. Some reading this might think, "Well, you ought to be rejoicing." We are rejoicing, but we're also frightened that we're going to fail, that we're not going to be able to meet Xiao Qian's needs, that we're not going to be able to meet all of our other children's needs, and that we're even not going to be able to meet one another's needs. I don't know how else to describe this but to state that we're desperately reaching out to Jesus' welcoming arms and yelling, "Don't let us drown." We know he'll catch us, but knowing and experiencing those moments right before He does puts knots in our stomachs. Fact is, His hands are already under our bellies, we just can't feel them right now. All He's asking us to do is kick the next kick and paddle the next paddle.

So today we do that. Barret's off to school, I'm off to work, and Austin and Meagan are off to Colorado where they live. I dropped them off at the curb's edge of the airport and wept on Austin's shoulder as I said "Good-bye". I told him I was so proud of him and Meagan, that I couldn't thank him enough, and whispered in his ear, "You're a good son." I then hugged Meagan good-bye and also thanked her again. Our bond as a family is tighter now than it was before we left for China, evidence of His open arms of safety that we must remind ourselves of when we think we're sinking.

Our weekend was sweet, relaxed, fun and crowded (but good). The immaculate house that Meagan created before we returned looked like a bomb went off in it (Austin said it looked like two bombs went off). Again, the disarray feels like we're sinking, but we're actually swimming and getting closer to feeling safe again. The pictures below are just a few from our fun weekend, and even more reminders that He's there with open arms.








Dog paddling to Jesus,

Our Lifesong Sings

Many have asked "Why?" (Click below.)

We simply don't know how else to explain it.

Because Our Lifesong Sings,

We're Home!

It's now 3:20 in the afternoon (Saturday) in China and 11:40 in the evening (Friday) as I type this blog entry from our home in Lafayette, California. I cannot believe I'm actually awake right now as I've only had about three cumulative hours of sleep over the last 40 hours. Everyone else in my household is zonked out, including those acclimated to this time zone. I don't know what it is, except that I was excited to sit down in the solitude of our family study and just start typing.

Obviously we made it across the Pacific Ocean from Hong Kong to San Francisco and, as it's been with most moving vehicles she finds herself in, Xiao Qian slept a good portion of the way (in spite of the fact that she slept a good nine hours the night before). For the first time in her whole life (we're sure) she found herself on foreign soil. While in the Hong Kong International Airport she made a comment to us after glancing at all the billboards, "Engwish, no Chinese." It was at that moment we realized that she was now crossing the line of familiar/unfamiliar, and that was only the first step. She would now taste foods (starting on the airplane) that wouldn't be quite the same, she would now start hearing language tones that rarely had any Mandarin woven in, and she would now see sights and people that possess little resemblance to her native land. Taste, hear, see..., but what would she feel? How would we know? For now we rest in the assurance that the work that has begun will be perfected, but not now, not today. This will take time, and time is what we have, just the time right now.

After landing and finessing our way through Immigration and Customs at San Francisco International Airport, we picked up our bags and were greeted by two very white, tall men (few sights of those in China) known as Austin and Barret Kruggel. They greeted us with big open arms and huge smiles on their faces. I wish you could have seen it - I know they were excited to see us (as we were them), but I think they were even more proud and excited to see their new little sister, Xiao Qian. They each gave her a respectful and gentle embrace, very appropriate given everything that might have been racing through Xiao Qian's heart and mind at the moment. We smiled, laughed and talked all the way though the airport corridors until we reached our car and headed home. The skies of San Francisco were gorgeous, especially after just receiving a fresh dousing of rain the night before. This was the first we had seen of the clear blue sky and sun in over two weeks. Xiao Qian was atypically (for her) quiet on the car ride home (but understandable given the circumstances), and Barret was over-the-top inquisitive, wanting to know as much about his new sister as possible (Austin was a good listener, but drove with a grin on his face pretty much the whole way).

When we drove up to the house we could see those two little munchkins that we also missed so much scurrying around the front yard. Meagan had dressed them up so perfectly, and they all three greeted us as we stepped out of the car. Boy was it nice to hug them all. Xiao Qian smiled and also greeted everyone, a bit shy and timid, but o' so very cute.

The house was perfect, just perfect. Meagan thought of everything - candles, lights, smells, house picked-up, organized, etc... Austin and Meagan also had a sign made with Chinese characters that said, "Welcome home, Xiao Qian." Xiao Qian read it and nervously giggled a bit, maybe because Austin felt they had misspelled her name.

We unpacked suitcases, handed out gifts, talked, toured the house, played a few games, took naps, made some meals, talking to Annie on g-Chat, and just simply got situated. I think "getting situated" will be a theme for us for awhile now. The two little girls seemed to be a bit out of sorts, uncharacteristically limited (only at first) in the verbal arena and also a little more whiny than usual. (Who could blame them? Their life has just been completely turned upside down.) But Xiao Qian was so perfectly careful to give them distance, approaching them with care, gentleness and sensitivity only when it seemed appropriate. By the end of the evening, they were all three rolling on one another and laughing their heads off. Now they're all three sleeping together on the floor in our bedroom (it's pretty dang cute).

There's a lot of small details in this post that are probably pretty boring to most readers, but I had to journal these things tonight before the minutia begins to vanish. But there's one moment today that won't vanish from my memory, regardless of whether I journal about it or not; it was when Victoria and I started to put the two little girls down to bed, expecting that the rest of us (including Xiao Qian) would just stay up and chat for awhile over desert. While getting them situated, Xiao Qian came into the room in her cute pajamas that Victoria purchased for her and wanted to go to sleep with them at the same time. When I said good-night to everyone, Poppy and Willow said to Xiao Qian separately, "I love you". Xiao Qian replied, "I love you".

And we love you. It's good to be home.