Without the First, the Others Could Not Possibly Be

Tonight I'm on a business trip sleeping over in the fair Emerald City (Seattle). Victoria and I once lived here. In fact, we were married here. Which brings me to my post theme this time.

So happens that there's some kind of convention in Seattle this week, so I couldn't stay in my usual hotel when I spend the night here. It's rare that I have to be away from the home for an entire evening because I work very hard to keep most of my business excursions limited to one day. It makes for a long day, mind you, especially when I wake up at 3:30 a.m. to catch the first flight out and then catch the late afternoon flight home so I can eat dinner with my family. But it's worth it to me to be exhausted at the end of a long day, scurrying to get home, because I'd much rather be with my loved ones than more alert and relaxed in a lousy hotel room, no matter how nice it is. Since I didn't have many options, I decided to stay in the hotel where Victoria and I stayed on our first Honeymoon night together. I figured it would be nostalgic and give me an opportunity to reflect. Turns our my "figuring" was spot on as I sit here looking out through my hotel room window at what perfectly paints the City's nickname. Jewels are shining everywhere, but my most treasured jewel is not here with me tonight.

I'll never forget that day and that night some twenty-eight years ago. It was perfect in every sense. The weather (pristine during an usually dreary season), the chapel, the pastor, the family, the guests, the flowers, the music, the attire, the festivities, the food, the settings... all were perfect, absolutely perfect. But what was more perfect than all of that was Victoria. She was stunning. She quite literally took my breath away. I cried when I saw her coming down the aisle - I couldn't help myself. Her presence and class were above anything I'd ever seen in my whole life. And I couldn't wait to be with her. Our vows were so powerful, it was if they were from God Himself. I'm loving thinking about that day right now. Of course I only wish Victoria were here with me.

The outer shell of the hotel hasn't changed at all, but the interior's been remodeled. The rooms are a little more modern, but when I walked into the lobby this afternoon I immediately recognized the reception desk and remembered standing there with Victoria in her wedding apparel looking as remarkable as she ever could. People stared and wished us such wonderful blessings. We went to the room, changed clothes and went out to dinner that night. In fact, it was on top of the very hotel I'm staying in tonight. We talked that evening about every detail of our day. We both admitted that our cheeks were tired from smiling so much - those muscles had never been wound so tightly.

We could never have dreamed or crafted the life we lived to this point following what could never be repeated. God, our God, knew all along, and continues to unfold day after day after day a wedding that gets played out each day the new sun rises. Not all are as dreamy as that first, but without the first the others could not possibly be. I'm intro and retro-spective tonight, especially without Victoria, but I'm glad God brought me to this place, at least this one more time. I should sleep well tonight.

I'm missing you, Vicki Anne,

Holding On & Letting Go

I'll never forget the first time I learned how to ride a bicycle. Staring at that contraption frightened me. It was bigger than life, bright red, and the wheels seemed like they stood as tall as me. It was for sure over-sized for my body, but I was determined with the help of my Dad to learn how to ride that bike. Being highly maturated in the frontal lobe area of my brain very early in life (another way of saying that I was a scared-i-cat, which I was often called by others and for good reason), I was afraid to ride that bike. Deep down I knew I would fall and skin my knees, break a leg or have some other "devastating" life catastrophe impinge upon my body. But there was also a part of me, a part inside of most everyone I suppose, that wanted to prove that I could overcome my anxiety and do what every other boy and girl could do and enjoy. The disconcerting thing was that most of them were much younger than me and they made it look like it was "just like riding a bike". With my tip toes barely touching the hot black top that warm summer dusk, my Dad gave me a push while I lifted my feet to the pedals. He held onto the seat from behind so I wouldn't fall, and then told me to push hard on those shin-biting protrusions. Wobbling to and fro, like a drunken sailor on wheels, I criss-crossed the street, stopping suddenly by putting my feet back on safe and solid ground. During one of those tries, when he eventually let go (every Dad has to as some point) I remember getting the wheels stuck in a rut in the road an then what I knew was going to happen really did - I crashed and skinned my knee. The red cherry stung and I cried. My Mom watched from the front yard and wanted to come to my rescue, I'm sure, but left me to what was best. Dad knew I was panicked, so he calmed me down and told me to give it another try. We did that several times until finally I figured out that the ole balancing thing was something I could actually do after all. Quickly my fear turned to exuberance, and my pride swelled to a healthy level, something along the lines of confidence. I did it! I rode a bike, just like everyone else could, and it was fun. I went to bed that night proud as punch, and couldn't wait to do it again the next day. Before long I was riding with one hand on the handle-bars, then none, then popping wheelies, then skidding into a fishtail,... you know, really cool stuff.

I've now experienced what my Dad did on that day long ago, on several occasions actually; first with Austin on what we called "big blue" (a small Schwinn), then with Annie, and eventually with Barret. (Barret was almost killed on "big blue" several years ago when he took a turn on a blind corner and a pickup truck nailed him head on. Neither one of them knew what hit them. God spared Barret that day as he lay underneath the chassis unconscious. We now walk by that spot on the way to our neighborhood pool almost every summer day. Each time I step on that corner of the street I thank God for mercifully giving us more time with Barret.)

After teaching Barret how to ride a bike I figured those days were over, at least with my own children - maybe grandchildren someday, but most dads want to save that for themselves. I understand. However God had a different plan for me on Friday. July 23rd was the day I experienced groundhog day again and taught Piper how to ride a bike. The routine was so predictable, almost like watching a tape recording of my own greenhorn riding days and also those of teaching my other children. She wobbled, she fell, she screamed, she laughed, she... eventually figured it out and was, well... "proud as punch" (we're teaching Piper idioms like this one, although I'm quite confident they wouldn't say it quite like that in China).

Willow and Poppy still need the third wheel and have scooted around on their Red Flyer tricycles all summer. The image of their pigtailed bobs swinging here and there (Poppy's are more like short, fluffy sticks since her hair is so short) while I watch them from behind en route to swimming is indelibly etched in my mind. A sight to behold. Today, however, Victoria and I (mostly Victoria) couldn't stand it any longer and decided to get them their own bicycles with training wheels. We surprised them with their new modes of transportation, and they were like... pigs in poop (I think we'll save that idiom for Piper for another day). Before you knew it, the neighbor girls brought out their bikes and the whole culdesac was full of racing riders on their spoked rims.

Victoria and I are still learning, at our age, how to ride a bike - the bike of raising children that is. We wobble to and fro, we get caught in ruts and fall down, we get scabby knees, we get prideful and overly confident sometimes (until we crash and get humbled again), we're tired at the end of a long day of riding, we get scared to get back on the frame wondering if we'll remember how, and so on, and so on. God sometimes holds onto our seats, and sometimes He let's go, but He's never far away. He kisses our owees and makes them all better, and He tells us to get back on the bike because He's wired us to balance that thing and get from point "A" to point "B". After riding for so long we sometimes forget that it's fun, even though going up those steep hills is intimidating and exhausting. But what goes up must come down, and coasting down a long, windy road with the warm wind blowing in our faces and the beautiful scenery passing us on our left and our right refreshes our spirits and cause us to look forward to riding again tomorrow. It's just like riding a bike.

Holding On & Letting Go,

25 Years & 25 Reasons

Twenty-five (25) years ago today, Victoria and I sat in a small, cozy hospital room in Seattle, Washington and held our first bundle of joy God created through us. We coddled Austin with kid gloves. Like fish out of water we flopped and flailed pondering at every turn whether we parented "correctly" at that moment. We look back now, twenty-five (25) years later, and feel that God's been much more gracious with our mistakes than Austin over his, just by sheer number. This day we celebrate with exuberance over our son and the banner of protection He's covered us with.

And now we share twenty-five (25) reasons why we give thanks over Austin today:

1. He's our first born.
2. He's a compliant one.
3. He's tender in heart.
4. He's considerate of others.
5. He's studious in mind.
6. He's loyal in soul.
7. He's adventuresome in spirit.
8. He's contemplative in thought.
9. He's conscious of conscience.
10. He's witted in laughter.
11. He's saved by Jesus.
12. He's serious in faith.
13. He's committed in love.
14. He's free from fear.
15. He's devoted in marriage.
16. He's passionate about life.
17. He's exploring the expanse.
18. He's faithful to us.
19. He's dedicated to holiness.
20. He's excelled in education.
21. He's loved his siblings.
22. He's listened to wisdom.
23. He's studied the Bible.
24. He's prayed in belief.
25. He's lived this long.

And he'll live forever! Happy Birthday, Austin.

We couldn't love you more,

The Post That Was Never Posted

I just wrote a huge post, with a ton of thought put into it, pictures and all, and when I went to post it the "auto-save" feature failed. When I went back in to find what I wrote and re-post, it was nowhere to be found. Lost in cyberspace. I'm so frustrated.

I guess I wasn't meant to post tonight. I'm too exasperated to try to recreate it, so I'm going to pass for the evening.

"Help me, God, because I'm really ticked right now. And what ticks me off even more is that I'm ticked."

I'll try again soon.

Grace Resolutions

I pressed through yet another birthday last week while on our family vacation at Mount Hermon. There was a season when birthdays caused me to look ahead at what could be, and now I find that birthdays sometimes cause me to look back at what should have been. But because I have hope, looking back still propels me to look ahead and believe that there's always time to incinerate impurities while on the journey to complete purity. So I decided this birthday to write down some core lifestyle practices that I've strived and still want even more to be characteristic of whatever God's got left for me. The idea came from Jonathan Edwards, one of the great reformers and puritans of our faith. I have one for each year of my life, and have decided to post them here for my children and wife to remember. I hope to read them frequently myself to serve as a reminder of the target I'm steering toward. Here they are:

With the grace of God...

1. I will strive every day to not read any other book until I've read The Book.

2. I will strive every day to not eat any other food until I've eaten from The Bread of Life.

3. I will strive every night not shut my eyes with my head on the pillow until I've sought the Lord one last time.

4. I will strive to pray for every member of my family every day.

5. I will strive to read through the entire Bible at least once per year.

6. I will strive to pray and thank God every day for my job and health.

7. I will strive to transcribe the entire Bible at least once before I meet my Jesus face-to-face.

8. I will strive to pray for one country/nation of the world at least once per day.

9. I will strive to tangibly demonstrate my love for Victoria every day.

10. I will strive to never say anything unkind about another.

11. I will strive to never willingly or intentionally gaze upon anything that will fain my affection for Jesus or my wife.

12. I will strive to give my body enough rest every day to ensure my focus upon Jesus is keen.

13. I will strive to never eat anything that is knowingly unhealthy for my body.

14. I will strive to always be fully focused and never distracted while in the presence of another.

15. I will strive to resist over-indulging in substances that alter my presence of mind.

16. I will strive to give each of my children ample love and attention that none ever feel neglected or cheated.

17. I will strive to always be memorizing or reviewing memorized Scripture on a daily basis.

18. I will strive to always journal my thoughts and experiences on a regular basis so that my wife and children will have a written remembrance of God's hand upon my heart.

19. I will strive to remain committed and devoted to a local church family until I meet my Jesus face-to-face.

20. I will strive to always speak the truth, never embellishing or limiting facts to self-adorn.

21. I will strive to always give money to anyone who asks, without judgment or hesitancy.

22. I will strive to always open my home to anyone in need.

23. I will strive to always serve myself last when in the presence of others, regardless of the context or content.

24. I will strive to always honor the Word of God with a fearful prayer of Psalm 119:17-18 before opening it.

25. I will strive to diligently save enough money so that I need not burden another for help when Victoria and I are aged.

26. I will strive to faithfully exercise and buffet my body to care for the temple that God has placed me in.

27. I will strive to loosely hold the things God has entrusted to me so that should they disappear I will not become despondent.

28. I will strive to care for the things God has entrusted to me so that I never take them for granted or abuse them and thereby dishonor Him.

29. I will strive to always be aware of the supernatural so that I give God credit for the obvious and the obscure.

30. I will strive to always give thanks in all circumstances, especially those difficult providences He places in my pathway.

31. I will strive to boldly make mention of Jesus and His saving grace at every opportunity the Spirit makes me aware of.

32. I will strive to always honor my mother and father, even if and after they meet the Lord before me.

33. I will strive to never seek opportunities that place me in positions of focus, and only be public when asked to do so.

34. I will strive to always extend a word, whether written or verbal, of thanks to anyone who gives to me.

35. I will strive to always immediately seek forgiveness to anyone I knowingly injure, whether intentional or not.

36. I will strive to regularly make connections with all members of my family, especially when we're physically apart from one another.

37. I will strive to always work so that all the physical needs of my family are attended to until they're able to care for themselves.

38. I will strive to personally and individually live on only enough cash each day so that I do not indulge in more than a majority of the world's population.

39. I will strive to be and remain debt-free.

40. I will strive to have my household in order so that when the Lord takes me home I have not left a burden to others.

41. I will strive to always let my "yes" be yes and my "no" be no, never committing to things I cannot follow through on and following through on things I've committed to.

42. I will strive to always give the other the benefit of the doubt, knowing that I cannot possibly know the heart of mankind.

43. I will strive to always force myself into positions of love so that I will resist the temptation to serve myself, which I'm always naturally inclined to do.

44. I will strive to always master any habit that has greater control over me than I of it.

45. I will strive to regularly and routinely fast and pray over matters where a clearly supernatural measure of God's grace is required.

46. I will strive to honor, respect and pray for those who God has placed in authority over me and never speak ill of them, regardless of whether I agree with or prefer their standards.

47. I will strive to at least one time per year place myself in isolation that I might seek the Lord for guidance and direction for the next twelve months.

48. I will strive to regularly surround myself with music that draws my gaze upward and enlivens my spirit with zealousness.

49. I will strive to always give faithfully and financially to the church to facilitate the greater furtherance of the Kingdom of God.

50. I will strive to always honor the Sabbath as a day of worship and rest, especially when I'm asked to either work or engage in extra curricular leisure as an exchange.

51. I will strive to never complain about anything.

52. I will strive to always forgive those who have wronged me, just as Jesus has forgiven all my wrongs against Him.

Lord, have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Resolved,

Recipients of A Hundred Times As Much

We're all currently vacationing at Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, located near Santa Cruz, California (this is where Victoria and I met in 1979). We've been coming here for eighteen years (in a row now). Our first year as family "campers" was when Victoria was pregnant with Barret - that's how we keep track of our tenure here. Of course this is Piper's first year here, and we're naturally missing Austin and Meagan. A special treat for us is that Annie's here with us, at least for the first few days, because she doesn't have to go back for her summer internship in the Bay Area until Wednesday.

While Piper was out exploring the grounds with a new found friend (this place is very safe, and she's a friend "magnet" so it doesn't take long for her to make acquaintances) and the other two little ones were taking a nap, Victoria found ourselves in the unusual position of being alone with both Annie and Barret. As the Lord would have it, our conversation steered toward what it was like before we had six children and it was just the five of us (Austin, Annie and Barret). Being here generates remembrances of summers gone by at Mount Hermon because we have so many experiences here that date back to our infancy as a newly formed family. Swimming, hiking, exploring, boating, laughing, eating ice-cream, studying the Bible, etc... The conversation was nostalgic. Both of them said they missed those days. It was also said out of the same breath that there wasn't a preference for the way it was, nor would (or could we for that matter because change is inevitable) it be desirable to go back.

While listening to the conversation I also had several conversations going on with myself in my own mind and heart. The bottom line is that I felt deeply for our first three children and all of the radical change in family dynamics that's been foisted upon them over the last four years (especially Barret). They've all (including Meagan) been so loving and supportive, but it has cost them something for us to pursue this calling from God. In fact, it's cost them a lot. One of my greatest fears about adopting (and Victoria's too) was that our first three children might feel ostracized and left behind. A lot of outside attention is given to these little bundles of Chinese wonder that have entered our life, and the others stand by and silently (and also openly and honestly) support and give the girls honor directed away from themselves. While this is certainly healthy in so many ways, it also needs to be revered with respect and appreciation. Victoria and I are forever grateful for Austin, Meagan, Annie and Barret and the manner in which they've laid down their lives for the sake of another.

And if we could give anyone one piece of advice that already have children and are pursuing, or thinking about pursuing adoption, we would have to say to them that they should be keenly aware of their already existing lives and hearts of the children God's presently given them. One of many goals we have is to give each of our six (seven) children an appropriate level of love and parenting so that another isn't overly showered or under cared for. This requires sharp attention and radar sensitive antennae. May God help us all.

"... everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." (Matthew 19:29)

Recipients of a Hundred Times as Much,

Loving Language

We've learned that language development moves through various phases that are identified by very distinct characteristics. At least that's been our personal experience by observing Piper as she learns to master a new language, English.

At first much of our communication with her was through one or two word syllables, often accompanied by hand motions or pointing to things we were referring to. It's really quite amazing just how much communication actually transpires without any real grasp of the other's language. We seemed to get along pretty well, surprisingly well as a matter of fact during those first few weeks with one another in spite of the reality that we didn't know much of the other's native vocabulary. We still vividly remember those genesis days when we played games with one another, like stick-man, just to help each other break down barriers and develop a bond.

Before long we discovered that we were actually carrying on conversations with one another through simple sentence structures. We might have been speaking the vocabulary of a two or three year old, but that's better than before and much better than nothing. Some of the frustrations during that phase are that you want to convey more, but don't know how because, as Piper would say back then (and still does sometimes), "Too much English", meaning it takes too many complicated English words to let you know what I'm trying to say. We even found ourselves sometimes saying to ourselves, "It's just too difficult."

Then comes the phase where the expanse of vocabulary grows and the use of words now conveys much deeper thoughts. The grammar is terrible, but you figure out pretty quickly what the other is trying to say, even through very thick accents. During this stage we found ourselves (and still do) asking Piper to either speak more slowly or teaching her just how to enunciate a word. Many words are so very difficult because the use of those sounds are not utilized in China. Furthermore, as we recently learned from an Asian-American friend of ours that also speaks Mandarin, Chinese words almost always begin with a consonant and end with a vowel. Few English words end with a vowel, and many actually begin with a vowel. Combine that with definite articles that are usually absent in Mandarin, and you begin to see real quick that the English language isn't as easy as we think it is. We have a lot of sympathy for poor little Piper working so hard to learn our language.

But here's where the big breakthrough begins to happen - it's when the feeling barrier is broken. First of all, communicating about feelings in China is culturally difficult to begin with, so establishing a level of acceptance that it's O. K. to do so is hard to build. But even when a platform of safety is created, using those feeling-words is harder than you might think. We remember asking Piper early on how she felt about things and she would just say, "Wha dat? 'Feel?'" In fact, one time she told Victoria that she was watching a movie that caused water to come out of her eyes, but she couldn't understand why. Victoria explained to her that something was happening in her heart that showed itself in her face and eyes, but Piper just couldn't get it. But now, now we're beginning to talk about feelings which opens up a whole new world of communication and, therefore, bonding and connection. When we say we love each other it's more than just words now, we can feel it from one another. How do we know? Not long ago Victoria left for a trip to spend some time with Annie down south. When she said to good-bye, Piper began to tear up. This was the first time such an emotion was expressed externally as a reflection of what was really happening internally.

And here's the "capper": Piper was awarded in June the highest honors for English Language Development (ELD) at her Middle School. This was given among many students, most of whom had taken or were enrolled in ELD all year long while she was just there for the last three months of the school year. The school administration went out of their way to let us know that these things are not handed out easily, and that she has astonishingly come a long way in a very short period of time.

We're proud of Piper, and are finding more and more that our communication with one another is richer and richer with each passing day. Now she's off to summer school to continue with her English Language Development (something she's not too thrilled to do while most other kids are off). We've got to keep this fast train moving while there's momentum. She's really chugging along so well.

Just think. God could have chosen to create us without language, but instead He did and life seems so much more complete with it. Now we can understand, and He can be understood.

Loving Language,