Do I Ever Really Sacrifice?

I was recently contemplating the whole concept of "sacrifice" and what it really means. One of the ways that I process things is to just start writing because I feel I can better express the content of my heart in written form over that of verbal. The one person on this earth that knows me best is Victoria, so I decided I'd text (e-mail on Blackberry) this long-winded stream of consciousness about my rumination on sacrifice:

Honey,

I've been thinking a lot lately about sacrifice. What is it and am I experi- encing it? To me (and I should really do some Biblical research on this before I start blabbering like this) it's willingly giving up something of value in exchange or for the benefit of another. Of course, that's what Jesus did when He was crucified on our behalf, and what made His sacrifice so pure (aside from the fact that He was and is perfectly holy) was His motive of love.

So I've had to ask myself, "Am I sacrificing anything in this life as I understand that term to mean?" What I have, what I possess doesn't, and never did, belong to me. I may enjoy the benefits of it, but I have no ownership of it. My life was purchased; I don't belong to myself. Likewise I am also married to you; I belong to you. So I start my reasoning off on the foundation that to give something up one must possess it. And since I don't possess anything, I never really sacrifice in the strictest sense.

However, I have been given stewardship of certain things that bring me great joy, happiness, fulfillment and peace. Those very same things also bring me some sorrow, pain and suffering (although hardly) from time to time. If I give my gifts back to the Giver, am I sacrificing? I don't think so. I'm starting to think that I never sacrifice nor will I ever be asked to sacrifice because I'm returning things to their rightful Owner.

When I think I'm sacrificing I fall into the pit and trap of thinking more of myself than I should, which includes pity parties, self-elevating thoughts and prideful idolatry. That then can also lead to discontent, woeful sadness and discouraged depression. What's lacking when I go there? Love! Love for Jesus and His bride! And yet I have the opportunity to possess and express the very same and powerful love myself because He poured it all out and upon my head. I'm covered in it; it's dripping off my flesh. But I walk around sometimes like it's all a dried up scab. And why do I do that? Because my motive is impure. I want something from my "sacrifice". I want approval, I want attention, I want reward, and I want justification. That's not love, that's loveless.

There are a few things God's given me that I'll never, ever be asked to sacrifice. Among many they include my salvation, my faith, my grace, and I'm beginning to think most-of-all my joy. The first three things I think I have little control over because they'll never be snatched from me. But joy? It gets snatched all the time. And I let it happen because I quickly forget the same things I'm writing and preaching to myself here; that I own nothing and I'm saturated in love.

So why am I writing this stream of consciousness to you? Because I love you so much and no one on earth knows me better than you. I also write these things because I need to process and think, and this helps. But most of all I write because we cannot ask another to sacrifice on behalf the other. That conviction must come from within and for the benefit of the one being sacrificed for, and in our cases it must always be for Jesus. I don't want to carry the burden of putting my mantle on the shoulders of another, especially you and our children. And when we do make sacrifices together (as almost all are since we're one), they should come at the expense of nothing, especially joy, and under the umbrella of love for Jesus.

I'm trying to take up my cross daily and follow after Jesus. It's hard work and sometimes downright painful. But what great love we possess to do such great acts of love for Him. Don't let me wimp out. Don't let me take the easy road. Push me Honey, and I want to push you, but let's do it all for one purpose, and that's out of immeasurable love for Jesus.

(Does any of this make sense?)

God help us.

I love you my love,

Anyway, I don't know if any of this resonates, but I'm convicted to sacrifice and provoked to do more. I'm asking the Lord to increase my joy, and shatter my comfort to see His Kingdom flourish and His name rise in fame.

Pondering in Jesus,

Tom