What We Need vs. What We Want

One of the greatest fears I have as a father, and I know that Victoria shares in this fear as a mother, is whether I'll be able to give all of my children what they need of me. That's different that what they want of me. If I go to my grave thinking that any of my children needed more than I gave, then I think I'll go as a sorrowful man, but for the eternal life I have in Jesus. The demands of life, the pressures of work, the routines of the ordinary, and the needs of each individual family member (not to mention the needs of extended family, work associates, etc...) pull on a father (and a mother) to such a degree that there's almost always cognitive dissonance. I don't want my children resenting the passions that drive my desire to love and serve Jesus, and yet at the same time I want them to see that sacrifice is required of all, including them and me. These diametrically opposed drives constantly pull at my psyche, sometimes to the point where I almost feel sick to my stomach. It's not constant, nor is it really that often, but lately I've gone through one of those seasons and I find myself praying more, preaching to myself more, and trying more to be a father to all of my children in the ways that they need me most. Of course, being a good husband to Victoria is an even stronger pull for me, so that dynamic also comes into play here. None of this is a bad thing.

I guess where I'm going with all of this right now is that I need to come to grips with the truth of leaving and cleaving (for Austin and Meagan, of course), and with the truth that for me to live is for me to die. My life in Jesus and the pursuit of my relationship with Him comes at an earthly cost, and I want my children to see, know and experience that losing this life for the sake of life eternal brings greater joy than all the riches, fame, and family this life could offer. For me, I'm finding that it's costing me more and more all the time. I find myself looking back over my shoulder after plowing the field, and then in that process creating crooked lines that are not becoming of a good steward. The focal point of my vision has got to remain fixed on Jesus, and in that pursuit I pray my children will have the same vision.

This world is a crazy place, especially in America. I have too many distractions; material things, Blackberries, vacations, retirement, etc... They're all becoming very distasteful to me as I see that I've taken the lure and it's reeled me in. None of this is bad, per se, but I've pursued them at the expense of a higher pursuit for Jesus. I want nothing more than to let these things go in my heart. I may enjoy them, but I may not elevate them over Jesus. I'm having to let go of a lot of things these days; this is healthy.

It's hard crucifying your old passions, but the joy that comes with it is immea- surable. May my children know and love that which is much greater than anything I could possibly give them. If they had that, I'd go to my grave a happy and fulfilled man.

Letting Go In Christ,

Tom (& Victoria)