Traveling out of town has put a damper on my creativity, not to mention my time to sit down and write. I miss it so.
Two weeks ago I had two nights and three days away from the family, which seemed like an eternity. My days on the road are jam-packed, so there's little time to think about much of anything but work. However my mind still occasionally wanders onto other things, especially family, even in the midst of such a hectic pace. These momentary thoughts of bliss are easily crushed when I'm outside of my comfort zone. Everything that still needs to get done while away is piling up. The load seems to get heavier so that by the time I return, as much as I want to enjoy the moment, I'm distracted by what needs to happen. This is a sad affair because where I really want to be I am, but then again I'm not. And where my family really wants me to be I am, but I'm not.
There is one thing, one moment that always seems to bring my heart calm. It never fails. In the still of the early morning, after my shower and the first sip of fresh "joe", I love the quiet of sitting in a chair and reading my Bible. I've gotten into this new habit, perhaps it's just a fad, of transcribing the Scriptures into composition notebooks, much like the old fashioned ones I used in college for essays and open ended exams. They haven't really changed much over thirty years. I figure that if I keep up the same slow pace I'm going right now I'll have written the Bible myself in about 10 to 15 years. The best thing about this painstaking slow pace is the painstaking slow pace - I now see things I've never seen before in the Bible, almost like a magnifying glass highlighting in bold print truths I've read and known but glanced over as if they're just words. Now those same words have illumination, and I see more of the majestic wonder of the Author. This discipline has rejuvenated my time with God in the morning, and fueled me for my day. I carry a grain of truth with me wherever I go, allowing it to feed me until the plate is clean and I'm ready to put my head on the pillow at the end of a long day.
This is all fine and dandy, but for the fact that it feeds my soul only, and not the souls of others. Victoria and I went out for a bite to eat together the other night just to be alone (we're finding it very difficult to capture those moments these days), and we sat there eating sushi without saying a whole lot to each other, at least for the first ten to fifteen minutes or so. Then we got onto the topic of raising these three girls from China, and our last year at home with Barret, and asking ourselves what we'd do differently this time. Without meaning to, or without intentionality I should write, Victoria shared an observation with me. All that wonderful Bible nourishment I receive each day seems to, as I stated above, feed my soul but not the rest of the family's. Here's the deal: I haven't lead my family in devotion to God with the same passion that I've led my own soul in devotion to God. We pray at mealtimes, make a few references to God and Jesus from time to time throughout our days, but that might be the entire gist of it all. Pretty pathetic if you asked me, and I needed to hear this from my loving wife. She's told me this before, and my usual reaction is to feel bad and then just fall back into my same ole patterns of taking care of me, but not the rest of us. I'm sure my older children can give testimony to this.
So here's the question: Why do I do this? I'm really asking the question to you readers out there, whoever is left. And if you're out there and you experience what I experience, what have you done to successfully combat this? I know most Blog readers are women, but even so, what have your husbands done?
I'm turning this Blog around this time and asking for help. I want to be to my family what I am to myself. I want to give the passion I have for Jesus to the one's I love most. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. I'm not looking for platitudes, but for real, genuine and transparent effects that have changed your heart and soul. Would you help me help my family?
A full soul that needs to fill souls,
2 comments:
You can't give something you don't have. Ponder on that for awhile. Your fulfillment in Christ is not something you can pass on to somebody else. Its yours not to give but to have. Maybe I can give you an example, when you play the drums at church everyone can see your passion. Yet if I asked you to teach me how to play the drums You would do it differently I can see your passion yet I can't feel it, but it stirs inside me when I see your passion for it. Passion is a feeling or emotion and everyone is different. Share the Gospel God takes care of the rest and if you want to get a little wild about it go ahead, King David did
I agree with what Dave said. My husband is not perfect and I admit I have said to him what Victoria said to you, but he does lead by example. His eyes are always on Jesus.
When we have conflict or discussions he asks us questions that lead us to our motives and our treasure - where our hearts are. His own focus is obvious.
He knows the word of God (like you are increasing) and instead of quoting it to us, he often has us read aloud (he will tell us chapter and verse or how to find). He does this whenever the need arises.
It sounds like you may be doing the same? I wish we had a daily devotion together but we don't. Whether it is necessary I don't think it is. However I bet it's a wonderful blessing in practice.
hth
connie langan
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