It's Raining, It's Pouring

While it's not raining or pouring droplets of water from dark, gray clouds, gifts are showering down upon Austin and Meagan from friends and relatives all around. After returning from our mini-vacation/celebration in Santa Cruz on Tuesday night, we spent a good part of our time from Wednesday through Friday preparing for Meagan's wedding shower at our home. With each passing day drawing us closer to the big event on Saturday, we could see that the weather was becoming more and more "Spring-like", and it certainly did not disappoint. With temperatures in the high 70's, without a cloud in the sky, about 30 ladies descended upon our doorstep around noonish to celebrate with Meagan the joy of preparing for a future with Austin.

The boys (Austin, Barret, Eric - Meagan's Dad, and I) all managed our tasks in the morning by cleaning up the yard, setting out tables, planting some fresh flowers, etc... and then we stormed out of there right before everyone arrived to head up to Napa and play some disc golf. We had a wonderful time in equally perfect weather and scenery, but poor Barret wasn't feeling well from a flu bug he caught the night before. He thought he could power through it but ended up heading back to the car after the third "hole" (chain-link stanchion) while we played through the rolling, oak-tree spotted hillsides of the golden California terrain. By the time we got back to the house a little after 5:00 p.m., everyone was rather pooped out and we just sat around and reminiscenced about the day. The girls were excited to show the boys the "loot", especially Meagan who couldn't wait to share the exuberance of her day with Austin. They were so cute together as Meagan meticulously handled every gift with loving care and explained to Austin who it was from and how useful it might be in their new home. Later on that night we all sat around a little fire in our back-yard, under perfectly clear stars, and enjoyed a glass of wine with the Kirkpatrick's. It was an absolutely stupendous day.

On Sunday after church, we helped Austin and Meagan pack all of their gifts, together with a thrift store dining room set they found in Santa Cruz, into the bed and cabin of Austin's truck before they headed back to San Luis Obispo. We laughed after we finished loading everything up as it sort of looked like a scene from the Beverly Hill Billies. Somehow they managed to get it all in there and safely arrived down south without losing one item on the long trek back. Victoria and Meagan briefly chatted on the telephone while they were driving south and both agreed that it was a bit depressing to see the glory of the week come to an end. Even Poppy said it was sad to see all of our company leave. We feel honored that our home and family are bonds that are difficult to separate by physical distance.

We're now back to our smaller gathering of five in the Kruggel household, ready for the next wave of revolving door changes the Lord brings into our paths. As tiring as it all is, I don't think we'd want it any other way.

Showered Upon with Grace,

Tom (& Victoria)

Grateful for the Greatness of God's Grace

He did it! Austin finished his graduate studies and is now officially "done" with school. (I know Dad, only bread gets done, "He's 'now officially FINISHED with school.'") All eight of us, well actually nine including Annie's friend, Brian, rendezvoused in a small cottage near Santa Cruz, California. It was a perfect, cozy little spot, set in a redwood forest next to a creek that apparently Steelhead Trout spawn in. It wasn't completely isolated because other small homes were nearby, but we didn't care. It rained pretty hard the first night which made it that much cozier as we sat around the fire and just basked in the fact that Austin no longer had to concern himself with college studies any longer. When we asked Austin how he felt, he was kind of pensive and said it was weird, almost sad in a way. I think I know what he means. Annie and Brian were pretty relieved too because they had just completed their Winter Quarter of school and have a week off before they head back to the grind on Monday. We're so proud of all our kids and couldn't be more grateful for the greatness of God's grace.

There was a moment on Monday night when we were all sitting around the dinner table, literally chewing on the fat of the calf I had just barbecued and chasing it down with some incredible Tempranillo wine we purchased from the Capay Valley a few weeks earlier, that I caught myself in one of those sort of "out of the body" experiences. Not literally, of course, but I was very contemplative as I looked around the chairs and soaked in each incredible face. My wife who was undoubtedly in her element with all of her chicks in the nest (and then some), my son Austin who's so wonderfully persevered through almost six years of university life, my future daughter-in-law Meagan who's already brought so much joy to our family, Annie who's as nutty as ever and also beautifully turned into a woman-of-God, her friend Brian who's humble commitment to Jesus is magnetic, my son Barret who's being visibly fashioned more into the image of Jesus with each passing day, my miracle girl Poppy who so unexpectedly entered our life and has given us new meaning to family, and the ever energetic Willow who none of us can seem to get enough of. These thoughts ran through my head, almost like a movie scene, and then I silently said to the Lord, "I don't deserve this, but I'm o' so very grateful. Your hand has clearly molded and shaped something remarkable here. Thank you." I never said anything to my family about that moment, but I sincerely think it might have been one of the most contented experiences of my life. 

Can it get any better? The amazing thing is, yes, it can. Whether I'll see another day on earth tomorrow doesn't really matter. I'm full and the future is brighter beyond the horizon than I could ever earthly imagine. 

I'm excited,

Tom

Rites of Passage

It's the beginning of the end, so to state. Meaning, Austin's now in his last days, literally hours of completing his undergraduate and graduate level college studies at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. In fact, by 10:00 p.m. tomorrow he'll finish his last examination in his just-less-than six year span at the university and then it's hats in the air, figuratively (maybe literally too). There's little rest for the weary though because he's still got so much to do to prepare for the wedding (together with Meagan) and gearing up for his first official post-graduate job in Colorado. There's a gazillion details to consider and take care of, not the half of which I'm sure Victoria or I have a clue about. Things like packing up his stuff, budgeting for the future, closing out collegiate details, establishing utilities at his new home, etc...

For me this all hit "home" the other day when I had to remove him from my insurance plan now that he's no longer going to be a "dependent". Navigating through all of the self-guided internet screens with my insurance carrier and checking him off the medical and dental plans sort of caused me to choke up a bit. In some respects it's like a rite of passage. I mean as long as he's been dependent upon our family for his sustenance (uh, that would be his whole life) he's been linked up to us in more ways that I had imagined. Usually whenever I think about "leaving and cleaving" (cf. Genesis 2:24) I envision it from the perspective of the one leaving and cleaving. But the verbs have an attachment to something else; you can't do either without a connection to another, and that other in this case of "leaving" happens to be Victoria and me. So from the perspective of the ones being "left", it leaves a hole, a vacuum of sorts. We're gaining a beautiful daughter-in-law which helps fill the void, and the peace of knowing that this all is perfectly providential fills in the rest. I'm happily afraid there's going to be a lot of leaving and cleaving going on in the next 60 to 90 days.

We're overjoyed for Austin and Meagan and these new chapters of life they're entering into. A stepping stone from one block to the next will involve us celebrating the completion of Austin's studies with all eight of us in a cottage near Santa Cruz for the next few days. We'll relax and reflect, eat and sleep, hike and explore, and talk and pray.

Stepping into the next chapter.

Ganbei! (Cheers!)

Tom (& Victoria)

Crazy Love

The other day I came home from work and noticed a book sitting on the counter I'd never seen before. It was a paperback with a bright red cover entitled "Crazy Love", written by Francis Chan. (Francis Chan is a relatively young pastor of a large church in Southern California, Simi Valley, called Cornerstone Church. I first heard about Francis Chan from Austin, Annie and Meagan who heard him speak at one of the Passion Conference's they attended.) When I asked Victoria where she found the book, she explained that she read about it from one of the blogs she follows on a regular basis (called "The Journey", reflections from Amazima ministry; a link to which is posted in the right hand column of our blog). She bought two copies of the book at a bargain basement price thinking that it might be nice to read it together. Victoria also knows that I'm prone to steal books that she's in the middle of reading because her enthusiasm about a book tempts me to grab it from her when she's not looking so I see what it is that's so enthralling. She finds my bad habit to be fairly irritating, so this time I guess she was going to head it off at the pass.

By yesterday morning I was already into Chapter 3 and captivated by this pastor's simple love for Jesus, spelled out in terms and a language that's fresh and refreshing. Chapter 3 is entitled "Crazy Love", obviously the title of the book. But what's so crazy about it? And what love is he talking about? Well, last but not first, it's God's love over us, but it's also our love over Him. And it's crazy because His love toward us is, as Francis terms it, "insane" (incomprehensible), and likewise our love over Him should be crazy and "insane". He likens God's love toward us much as that of a father over his own children in the sense that he'd do anything for them, even die, to keep them resting in the security of their father. In fact, Francis has a web link that highlights his book wherein one can watch and hear him speak about each chapter, and on this particular chapter (#3) he has one of his little boys resting in his arms while comfortably seated on a couch, presumably in his home. This scene demonstrates in a very tangible way the very love God has over His children.

http://crazylovebook.com

This struck me because I know I feel that same way about my own children (all five of them) and I know it's the way my parents feel about me, but I don't often think of God's love over me in that way. While it's not a perfect comparison or analogy, I think it's about the best one I can identify with on a personal level. There's a part of me that says to myself, "This is pretty basic, Tom. I mean, you're just now coming to this realization after all these years?" Yes, and no. Sometimes you just need another angle to view what you've seen and known all along to focus anew on what was always there. I've read before from one of my favorite (but now gone to be with the Lord) Christian writers, A. W. Tozer, "What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us..., and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." I'm hopeful that revisiting God's Word through the lens of Francis Chan's book will help me see God's love, among other things, much like an earthly father's love over his own.

Desiring Crazy Love,

Tom

At the Cross

Crisp Spring air, blue skies with streaks of white clouds patterned as stripes, calm bay waters, and the sun's rays angled at about 60 degrees created a setting that was screaming out to go for a worship-run today. I love my worship-runs; iPod in tow loaded with some of my favorite Christian artists' songs and the simplicity of running shoes, shorts and a t-shirt. That's all I need and I feel like I'm entering into a presence with God that cannot be duplicated anywhere else. Not only do I require the exercise because I'm sedentary at work all morning, but at about the noon hour I'm ready to "depart to the 'mountain' to pray" (Matthew 6:46b).

Lately I've been feeling rather melancholy about the world's injustices toward the helpless, noticing more than usual the ravaging effects of sin upon mankind. My readings, encounters with strangers, thought processes, and general spiritual condition have all directed me to mercy. With that pressing upon my heart, I just had to get out and ponder these things while on a worship-run. What I really felt I needed was a good dose of sensing the presence of God's love. God met me there and drew me in. Several songs entered my earshot while panting for air and pacing myself at a cadence that resonated with the tempos. But one song jumped out at me and I just kept hitting the repeat button every time it came to a close. It's entitled "At the Cross", sung by Hillsong.

I'm in a good place right now, even though I feel blue. It's a wintry season in the midst of Spring. He's pruning and blowing the leaves off my limbs. I wonder what shape He'll craft, and what blossoms will bud.

In His Love,

Tom

Olfactory Spring

Not too long ago Victoria was turned on to a pretty remarkable deal by a good friend of ours from our church where organically grown farm fresh produce is delivered right to our doorstep once every two weeks. It's surprisingly affordable compared to store bought produce, especially when you consider the time saved and the unbelievably superior taste of the food (not to mention the organic health of the product). Victoria is over-the-moon about it; in fact, one day when the box of produce was delivered to our front door she couldn't wait to show me how wonderfully packaged the fruits and vegetables were, and also how fantastic they smelled.  Victoria is very tactile, and this gift that religiously comes to our home twice a month really satisfies that artistic side of her.

Today we all drove to the farm where the food is grown and harvested, and enjoyed an open house the owners hosted for their customers. It was a perfect Spring day, with clear, crisp and fresh air. You could eat just about anything you could pick, so we stuffed ourselves with fresh carrots, apples, asparagus, and oranges. The owners and farmers are relatively young (they inherited the farm from their mother who passed away about five years ago), and were so very gracious. We were really drawn to them. To give you a "flavor" of the farm, I quote below from an insert that came in last week's produce delivery, written by Thaddeus (one of the owners who also graduated from Cal Poly in 2003):

"The changing of the seasons is a continuous transition - it is slow, steady and ever changing. I know this about the seasons and this fact leads to the argument that the seasons don't have borders, but grey areas between each season's heart. For me, there is always a day that strikes me as officially being part of the new season.

Last week I woke up, made my coffee and walked outside to be tickled by a warm breeze. The air carried hints of green grass and almond blossoms - birds were chirping in the background. As I filled my lungs with the treat, I admired the puffy clouds that loomed over the grass-green hills dotted with silhouettes of leafless, dark oak trees. In my bones I felt that Spring had started.

The field crews made the first pass through the asparagus field. The warmer weather has triggered a few of the asparagus roots to send up shoots. The field lay dark with moisture, the beds free of weeds from the last cultivation and a few asparagus shoots sticking up from the beds in the same fashion that toothpicks would look stuck into the ground. The shoots that have emerged have not been enough to harvest, but we are expecting to start harvesting next week.

Enjoy your box this week - Thaddeus"

Well, that was our day, and it will no doubt be memorable for many years to come.

Full,

Tom (& Victoria)

Mahna Mahna

Over the Holidays Austin shared a hilarious YouTube video of a Sesame Street vignette (randomly called "Mahna Mahna") that just brought us to tears in laughter. We thought it was so cute that we shared it with Poppy and Willow, who both seemed to get a kick out of it, but Poppy certainly more than Willow. We then shared that same video with several friends of ours, including our good friends from church, the Denny's. They also found it to be quite humorous and began to glob onto the song theme much like we did. Some time had passed since we enjoyed that video with the Denny's, but when Valentine's Day rolled around they gave us a singing stuffed "animal" (more like a miniature monster, actually) that sung (Wouldn't you know it?) "Mahna Mahna"! We showed this to the girls and for the first time since we've had both of them we witnessed a role reversal between them; Poppy was enraptured, but Willow was frightened to tears. It's really quite pathetic to see Willow avoid the Mahna Mahna Monster at almost all costs, so we try not to tease her with it (although it's awfully tempting because her expressions are so dang cute when she sees it). So we decided we would use the "monster" to our advantage and put it on a shelf in one of our closets that we've been trying to train Willow to stay out of because it looks like a tornado went through there whenever she comes out. She carefully watched me place it in the closet and..., it's working.

We hope you enjoy Mahna Mahna as much as we do, and certainly a lot more than Willow does.

Mahna Mahna (whatever that means),

Tom (& Victoria)

And the Lord Sits as King Forever

Yesterday, while in sunny (85 degrees) San Diego on business, I received a call on my cell phone from my Dad. I rarely receive calls from him in the middle of the work day, so I almost always try to answer the call regardless of what I'm in the middle of; most of the time I think I'm going to receive bad news or something, but that's not always the case. But that was the case this time, although the bad news turned out in the end to be good news. Out of self preservation, I'll spare the details here for fear I might be severely reprimanded for divulging something I shouldn't. (And, yes, my parents still have that kind of effect on me, even at this age.) Bottom line, what we thought could have been a severe health problem has turned out to be repairable with an extremely optimistic prognosis. For that I'm grateful. 

I remember one time receiving another one of those calls in the middle of the work day, only this time my Dad told me that he felt God had sent him a message to give me something quite valuable, and as it turned out it was something that our family was quite in need of. Who am I to turn my dad down, much less my Father? This was a profound moment for my Dad, and has since turned out to be profound for the rest of us in our family too.

Interesting, to state the least, that God allowed me to read from Psalm 29 this morning and journal these thoughts (that follow):

"The Lord sat enthroned at the Flood, And the Lord sits as King forever." (Psalm 29:10)

"It's raining hard today, but I'm sure not nearly as hard as it did thousands of years ago when God opened the skies and sent the raging waters down to flood the earth and destroy almost the entirety of His creation. What was He doing, I mean literally doing when that happened? The Psalmist says that He sat, and that He sat enthroned. There's a part of me that thinks He ought to have been pacing the floor and sort of rubbing His chin as if He were devising some alternative scheme to change course. But He actually did what my soul (deep down) receives the greatest amount of comfort from; He sat, in control, high and exalted, and completely enthroned in all His glory. Sound unsympathetic? Not at all, it's quite the contrary. This is precisely what I need my God to be and do, and the Psalmist reminds me that this is what He will do into eternity future; then, now and forever.

Floods of life will come and go, but they do not nullify His Kingship, and they do not diminish His glory. The world's forecast is pretty stormy right now with nothing but dark clouds on the horizon as far as the eye can see; but today I choose to believe that beyond those clouds that I cannot see through sits our God, enthroned as King and Ruler."

Warmly in Christ,

Tom

It's Not Good To Be Alone

Three days in Houston, with the next evening at a business function forced me to be out and away from the home last week much more than I'm really comfortable with. I travel on business perhaps 35% of the time, but I'm fortunate that most of my trips are either north or south and, therefore, afford me the opportunity to stay in the same time zone. In fact, I've got the routine down so that I can usually leave and catch a flight early enough in the morning to arrive at my destination right about the same time as the work day begins for most, and actually return home in time to sit at the dinner table with my family and enjoy a meal together that night. 

But when I have to travel east, that's a killer for a lot of reasons. Aside from the fact that I never seem to be able to recuperate from losing a few hours of time (and usually sleep), I'm discombobulated because my routine is thrown off and my familiar surroundings are gone. Most importantly, the necessary and all important influence of family, absorbed and substituted by late night meetings and non-stop thought processes about business, cause my emotional acuity to be jeopardized. As much as I enjoy my vocation, I need my family to provide a healthy perspective to the broad and diverse character of life. I don't live to work, but I must work to live. And as I live, it provides balance to my view of work and deeper, greater meaning to what I do. This past week I heard little good news about the prospects for our economy, the longevity of this current and less than hopeful outlook, and the significant change in course about how we may be forced to live our lives in the future. These messages bombarded me for four to five solid days, all without me really seeing my family face-to-face at anytime throughout. I'm just now starting to recover and regain a clearer vision, but only after being around my family long enough to give me a sense of purpose and genuine hopefulness about tomorrow. All this is, of course, bathed in the everlasting hope of my inheritance in Jesus. 

I am so much like Adam in that "It is not good for the man to be alone;" (Genesis 2:18b). I am much more appreciative of my family today than I was one week ago.

It's good be home, and it's good not to be alone,

Tom

Bad Hair Day

O. K., so we all have bad hair days every once in awhile. Yesterday, right after Willow's nap, was certainly one for her. She hasn't been sleeping as well as she used to, so we figure she's just going through another one of those changes, like kids her age usually do; you know, like every two or three days or so. Her latest pattern of waking up from her evening sleep or daytime nap is to start to fuss a little while still in her crib, then yell out at the top of her lungs, "MaMa" or "GaGa". One of us eventually makes our way back to the room to greet her standing in her crib, but when she sees me she lays back down and sort of curls up into the fetal position. When I ask her to get up, she usually just continues to lay there, kind of ignoring me. Fighting back laughter, I just lean over into the crib and pick her up in that position as if she were a rolly-polely or something. She then, while in my arms, locks herself into that fetal posture as I carry her back to my room or to Victoria located somewhere else in the house. It's the funniest thing. Victoria then tells me that we need to give her ample time to de-grump. In this photo you can see that she hasn't come close to de-grumpifying yet. Her hair is a wild mess, which is kind of in keeping with her personality at post-nap/sleep. We don't really get upset with her because her momentary bouts of crabbiness are pretty short lived. She's quite the hoot.

Loving this stage of life,

Tom (& Victoria)

When Love Takes You In

It was just a little over four years ago that we comfortably sat in our dimly lit family room (Annie, Barret, Victoria and I) while it rained outside. It was a Sunday afternoon; we had all returned from church and just finished a nice traditional brunch together. Victoria decided to pop a DVD into our player that she had recently purchased on a whim while attending a women's conference in Las Vegas with my mom. We had little idea what was on the disc other than some music from Steven Curtis Chapman, but figured it would be a nice way to spend a few relaxing minutes together while we let our meal settle. And we had absolutely no idea that moment in time would forever change our lives. It was Steven's personal testimony to the love of God showered upon him, his wife and family through the adoption of his daughters Shohanna and Maria, both from China, that caused my heart to beat so hard I could literally feel it against my folded arms resting upon my chest. His humble expression of passionate love for Jesus and the compelling desire to pour it out to his family, and now these two girls almost brought me to tears. But it was this music video, also on the DVD (below), that took me to the brink.

[Some might say this song is over-used and over-played, but I still cry whenever I watch it.]

After that, I uncharacteristically released those unforgettable and unimaginable words, "I don't know why we're not doing something like this." God grabbed a hold of us with a grip that was inescapable. Tonight, as I type this, our two little girls from China lie in their room with soft lullabies playing on their CD player, resting with their eyes closed, living in a house thousands of miles from their homeland. Love had taken us in, and it has taken them in too.

I was recently reminded of the Chapman family after hearing an interview with Steven and his wife on Fox News. The searing loss of their daughter Maria to a tragic family accident about nine months ago hasn't caused their love for Christ or family to waiver in the slightest. If anything, it's stronger. I just simply had to write this post in honor of the man and family God brought into our lives to draw us near to Him. He may never know how they were instruments in the Redeemer's hands to us, but I have to believe that Jesus looks down and smiles. Perhaps one day they'll know, and then they'll look up at Him and also smile.

Forever grateful,

Tom (& Victoria)

Death In Parenting

There's a lot of death in parenting. Sometimes and most tragically it's mortal, which is of the worst kind because what we perceive as the natural order of life is thrown completely off kilter when a parent loses one of their children to death; it doesn't matter how old a parent or a child is. It just doesn't seem fair, and most parents would welcome the gift of their own life in exchange for that of one or more of their children. Victoria and I have never had to suffer such inconceivable sorrow and heartache, and we pray we never will.

But most of the time death in parenting comes about through the natural order of things and it's of the physically immortal kind, meaning that it continues to live on and propagate throughout this mortal life. In infancy, you lose their velvet soft heads and fresh smell of a life that's brand new. In toddler-hood, you lose their clingy snuggles after a painful bonk that only a mommy or a daddy can bring comfort to, and you also lose those unfiltered affectionate blurts of lovable expression. In nursery, you lose their omnipresence as their independence begins to blossom. In kindergarten, you lose their innocence and naivete as they begin to explore the world with all of its foibles and brokenness. In elementary, you lose their death-grip on family in exchange for the attractions of other friendships. In pre-teen years, you lose their unabashed identification with you as they begin to consider life beyond the immediacy of family. In teenage, you lose their fond remembrances of the past for hopeful anticipation of the future. In collegiate years, you lose their homestead dwelling for life lived outside of the immediate familial clan. In marriage, you lose their sole surname membership for the necessary and created leaving and cleaving to another.

If Victoria and I focus only on these losses, we sink into a tailspin of melancholy that is absolutely unrecoverable. But it's not there that our hearts remain fixed, but rather on the understanding that life can only continue through these deaths. Currently dying on both ends of these continuum's (between Austin & Willow) accentuates these pains evermore, but also ironically creates a peaceably soulful existence under the cycles of life that bear fruit through death. And the decisive crucible between final eternality either with Jesus or without Him, comes also and only through death.

"... unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

(Jesus - John 12:24)

As Victoria tearfully said yesterday morning while sitting around the breakfast table and contemplating these things with Annie, "There's a lot of death in parenting." I, too, had a good little mourning cry with Victoria right after Annie pulled away to head back for more studies at Cal Poly. It's mortal being immortal.

Emotionally exhausted,

Tom (& Victoria)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day is rather fun "holiday" around our home. We have very simple traditions, but they're anticipated with great expectation by our kids. We've always made it a point (I should state that "Victoria's always made it a point") to purchase small gifts and cards for the children, and bake some special treats like cupcakes or something. Poppy especially enjoys decorating those hand-sized delectables, although she does sometimes overdo it with the candied sprinkles and all. This year Victoria decided to make it a "thrift store" Valentine's Day, so she bought the little girls fairy wands and hair pieces (a tiara for Poppy and a lacy scrunchy for Willow). They also each got a box of Jelly Bellies.

This year is extra special because Annie came home for the three-day weekend (President's Day) with her college roommate, Amanda. Poppy and Willow couldn't wait for Annie to get home last night, and of course Victoria, Barret and I were pretty jazzed about it too. Annie's so much fun, being the family court jester and all, relaxed and goofy (but not always). Amanda's as sweet as can be (and also cherishes Jesus) and the two of them seem to really love each other a lot. We're so thankful to the Lord that they have one another. Right now Victoria, Annie and Amanda are at matinee movie while Barret and I stay home to watch the little ones. Tonight Annie will go out with her good friend Brian (also from CalPoly), while Amanda goes out with another friend from around this area. Victoria and I intend to stay home, put the girls down, have a little wine next to the fireplace and just talk.

I'll close this post with a quote from Shakespeare that I also quoted to my, at that time, "bride-to-be" during our wedding vows:

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep.
The more I give to thee,
The more I have,
For both are infinite.

Over 27 years later, I've yet to hit the bottom or run out; it's an endless spring of love.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Tom

Molded to Serve

Victoria did a simple thing yesterday by preparing a meal and giving it to another in need. She had been thinking about this person off and on for several months now and thought this might provide a long overdue break. After preparing it, with the “aid” of Poppy, the girls drove over and dropped the packaged dinner off. Poppy was pretty excited about this, and Victoria said it just felt good to do something unsuspecting for someone else, especially when we Kruggel’s are naturally prone to be isolationists. In fact, Victoria and I were just bemoaning our past parenting practices with Austin, Annie and Barret by reflecting upon our poor modeling of self-sacrifice and service to others. We both wholeheartedly agree that hospitality is not one of our gifts, and we’re ashamed that we’ve freely welcomed so few into our home. If there’s one area of parenting we want to do differently this time around with Poppy and Willow, it’s to demonstrate true love by giving ourselves away, especially when we don’t feel like it.

This got me wondering why it is that our hearts are full when we pour them out. It doesn’t really matter whether someone believes in the truths of Jesus as we do, or if they’re complete atheists or agnostics; people are naturally inclined to feel a sense of purpose when they’re helping others in need. If that were not the case, then relief to those in Sichuan, China after the devastating earthquake last year, the aid to those afflicted from the Tsunami in Thailand four years ago, and the heroic life threatening feats to save those trapped in the New York City Twin Towers on 9-11 would have never occurred. This is because we’re crafted and molded by our Creator to do so. We’re image-bearers of God, and this is what we’re designed to be and do, just like Him. But the allures of this world distract us, especially during our greatest moments of comfort, and also deceive us into believing that we’re created for preservation and not surrender. This is why I am most uncomfortable when I’m comfortable. (Austin said the same thing to me during our time together over the Holidays, expressing concern that his new job, settling in and cruising along might give him a false sense of security. He said, “That scares me, Dad.” I replied without hesitation, “It should, son.”)

So, Victoria and I are at a place in our lives right now where we have to ask, “What more can we do?” One thing’s for sure, it’s not kicking back and soaking in all this life has to offer. There’s not much there, really. And without sounding self-serving, because when we do die to self there’s no denying a euphoric state of purpose, we want the remainder of our limited years here on this foreign ground to contribute toward building a Kingdom that we’re privileged to be citizens of. Our adoption into this community came at a great price, a river of blood. And we have fallen far short of shedding the sustenance of life; “You have not resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving…” (Hebrews 12:4).

Living to die,

Tom (& Victoria)

Gonghe Xinxi!

As we've oftentimes stated before, Poppy's mind seems to constantly reel and plumb depths that flabbergast us. Why just the other evening while sitting on the couch with her, she reminded me that she did not come out of Mommy's (Victoria's) tummy, but out of another mommy's tummy, and that Willow did not come out of her mommy's tummy or Victoria's. She then counted them up and said that we had three mommies around our family. I don't recall spending that much time talking to Poppy about this, nor does Victoria for that matter, and in fact she usually doesn't like to think or talk of life before she entered and became a part of ours.

Well, as many of us know, there's no guarantee that when we bear biological children that any of them will turn out the same, and we're often surprised and sometimes end up asking ourselves, "Did this child come from our blood lineage?" Now there's no mistaking that Poppy and Willow come from different blood lineages, not only by looking at their outward appearances, but by also peering into their inward character and constitutions. For example, last night we went to the Chinese New Year's Parade in San Francisco (I understand one of the largest such festivities in the country), and watched colorful float displays, illuminated dragons that stretched for several meters, and marching bands pounding rhythms and tunes all in celebratory honor of the Year of the Ox. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, although the parade did seem to move awfully slow at times. While waiting on the curbside with thousands of others for the next element of the parade to go by, a boy outfitted with a large dragon head and blinking eyes stooped down to the girls' level while they were sitting in their double stroller. Advancing ever closer with head bobbing up and down, the dragon eventually came within a foot or two of the girls' faces. Willow looked up, stared straight into the frightening mask, and keep eating her Cheerios as if dragons like this were commonplace in her life. Poppy on the other hand tensed up, recoiled, stiffened her back and pushed herself into the stroller seat as far as she could to escape the horrifying creature. She then burst into a high shrill cry with voluminous streaming alligator tears that were almost impossible to stop. The dragon wouldn't leave and kept staring into their faces until he finally darted over to another unsuspecting victim. While cute on the one hand, it was quite pathetic on the other. And while these two girls may very well be sisters, there's no questioning that they're two very different image-bearers of God as simply evidenced by this one experience (among many). Our love for them ever grows, as it does for all of our children, and in spite of their differences there's no one favoring over the other. All of our children are ever shaping our lives and being used by Him to hopefully transform us all the more into the likeness of Jesus.

Raising a diverse brood,

Tom (& Victoria)

Big Decisions

This entry is a copy of an e-mail my beautiful bride sent to a friend of ours contem- plating adoption. I was so impressed with it and moved by it that I decided to post it here: (Certain portions of the e-mail were redacted to preserve anonymity.)

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I remember Annie and Barret kept asking me if I had "thought about it yet" (i.e., "Were we GOING to do it?") : ) Tom had to call off the dogs, so to speak, because I could NOT wrap my mind around it in that state!

I understand about thinking "too much" and being frightened of thinking "too little" too. Could you ever imagine while taking care of just one how you were ever going to care for more? I could not have imagined doing what we are doing now, even 5 years ago (when I was younger!).

We always think that our cups of life are FULL and that we couldn't possibly add or change what we currently deal with. But when we are doing the will of the Lord it just seems that He expands our time, our love, and our ideas of what life would be like...

From THIS side of it (signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours!) the gains have so far outweighed the costs (gravity) that it is hard for me to go back in my mind to thinking it was such a "Big" decision. But now, in the wake of having been used of the Lord to ransom a life from a fatherless state to what it is now... to bringing a dear soul under the sound of the gospel, to learning to surrender ourselves to the care of children who were once "the least of these"... well, it is just a privilege. Now, the question is, "How wide can we open our arms?"

With a full heart of love for you,

Vicki

P.S. - So far for us it has been a win-win situation for US, our adopted girls, our older kids...everyone has been changed for the good.

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When I read things like this written by my wife, I'm not only touched to the core, but find myself falling deeper in love with her. I'm confident she wouldn't have to do anything to cause that to happen, but it just so happens that when she does do it, my heart misses a beat (yet again). I pinch myself that God gave me to her.

Ever at the mercy of Jesus,

Tom