kings, and the King

Right now I'm somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, but I have no idea where except that I'm between the West Coast of the United States and the East Coast of China. Not only that, but I have no idea if this blog entry will actually log into our site. We tried blogging from China eight months ago (when we adopted Xiao Qian) using this "e-mail" method (I'm sending an e-mail into Blogger), and it seemed to work. Blogger may not still be blocked in China as it was back then, but I have a little time on my hands right now (a 12 hour flight mind you), so I thought I'd take advantage of the opportunity by opening up my laptop and journaling some thoughts. I'm not really that tired, even though it's about 10:30 on Saturday night, about 1:30 p.m. on Sunday in China. (I arrive @ ~6:00 p.m., China-time.) These momentary spells of solitude don't come my way that often anymore.

When I left this morning I was a little sick to my stomach. I'm emotionally juxtaposed between a very, very exciting business opportunity in China and leaving what I love most on this earth behind, my family. I was so torn about it a few days ago that I think I only got a couple hours of sleep that night. And this morning's good-bye was heart-wrenching, sort of a déjà vu from when Annie left for CalPOLY about two weeks ago. Poppy's reaction was almost identical to what I described in an earlier blog post this month, which didn't help matters much. Geese, I love those people!

So how do I make heads and tails out of all this severe cognitive dissonance I'm experiencing? How do I wrestle with the notion of caring for my family with work (we have to work) and to what extent when it means that we're separated, this time for five to six days? Is this what God has called a father of six (four at home) and a husband to Victoria to do? Answer: I don't know! How's that for peace of mind? Perhaps I might be judged by others, but none more severely than me. Here's what I know… For whatever reason, and this I do not know either, I have "found favor in the eyes" of the "king" (Genesis 39:4). Victoria reminds me of this all the time. The "king" has entrusted an enormous amount of responsibility to me and he never worries about that part of his kingdom, and by this I'm humbled and honored, both at the same time. I've often felt like Joseph knowing that I could have very well been left in the pit without discovery or drawing out. And when found? I could have been owned as a slave and always stayed a slave. But no, God's placed me under the rule of a king, and The King has set me free. So I wrestle to honor both of them, never the highest at the expense of the lower. In fact, I've often told my "king" I cannot go there, or do that, or whatever because it might dishonor the King. Not once have I ever been criticized (at least to my knowledge) for being an ambassador to the King of kings. So here's what I've done… When asked by the king to make a sacrifice like this, I have to believe that it falls under the banner and authority of my King. What I'm doing is not sinful, and sinful "no-no's" I will not ignore. What I am doing is obeying, and sometimes that comes with a price. And furthermore, I have to trust that the price will yield a return much greater than my puny mind allows me to comprehend, because right now it seems like the yield is in the red. I often look to Victoria as a bellwether when placed in positions like this. Her support, although honest about the heartache and effort, are tuning rods that resonate with what I feel is God's current direction for me. I told Victoria the other day, "I will walk away from it all, without hesitation, if I for one moment I feel that we're jeopardizing the most important thing He's ever called us to, and that's one another."

So for now, I'm on my way to China. Excited, scared, nervous, homesick and prayerful. Most of all, I'm now at peace, at least for now, because God has chosen to give me favor in the eyes of the king, favor in the eyes of my wife, favor in the eyes of my children, and most of all favor in the eyes of my King.

I love you, Jesus,